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Offline CleanOnionTopic starter

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Writing Competition: Haphazard Heroics https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=66289.msg1279422#msg1279422
« on: August 25, 2018, 12:14:01 am »
Terribly Told Tales of
Haphazard Heroics


"Mr Resizable, Mr Resizable, please help us! A great Flooding has covered the world - it's destroying our cities, our farms, please help!"
"Flooding?" boomed the heroic voice of Mr Resizable, who had the power to resize himself. "Not on my watch."
He did what he could to stop the flooding, but his measly punches were no match for the endless tides of water. "Curse you, JonathanCrazyJ --" he began, but stopped - he'd had an idea!
Mr Resizable took a lungful of air and began to grow... taller than a house, a skyscraper, a country, and eventually larger than the world itself. He stepped off of the planet and looked down upon it, floating alongside it like a space whale.
He placed his hands against Russia and began to push, inching the Earth closer to the sun kilometre by kilometre. Eventually, the flooding began to evaporate!
"Thank you, Mr Resizable!" chanted crowds of adoring fans as they began to melt, both in euphoria at their saviour and into puddles from the skyrocketing atmospheric temperatures. All Mr Resizable could do was smile and wave.
All in a day's work for a great hero such as himself!



The Task


  • Pick a Doomsday Device™ from the previous competition!
  • An evil mastermind has put into action a plan to end the world via the use of this Doomsday Device™ - it's up to you to stop it!
  • Write a short story about how a hero who picks the worst way to save the world from the Doomsday Device™!
    • Example: If you choose the Big Red Button, then the hero might cut off everyone's fingers so no one can press it!
    • Example: If it's the Solar Flare, then it's time to extinguish the sun!
  • Post your submission in this thread!
  • ONE submission per person.



The winner will receive the following forum award icon, as well as a spot in the glorious Hall of Fame!




You have no time remaining.
« Last Edit: November 03, 2018, 01:22:36 am by Aves »

Offline kaempfer13

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Re: Writing Competition: Haphazard Heroics https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=66289.msg1279424#msg1279424
« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2018, 12:47:04 am »
Whats with these trollphysics again? Even assuming Mr. Resizeables mass would change according to his size thered still be Newtons third law. So in order to change earths trajectory he has the following options to push the earth:

  • Become massive and jump away from earth. This can have the following problems:
    • He might  become so heavy he just falls through earths crust burning alive in the magma underneath it (this can be alleviated to a degree by making the surface of his feet bigger, however the surace area of his feet needs to grow as fast as his volume which means they grow much faster than the rest of his body)
    • The impact of jumping of would send large quantities of particles flying which would remain in the troposphere for some :time blocking off the sunlight from earths surface making it colder
  • become so huge he finds another celestial body to stand on (lets say the moon). This one is actually workable, he could keep his head inside earths atmosphere to breathe and his body parts alternately freezing off and boiling alive would actually be acceptable, as his surface area would become tiny compared to his sheer volume, minimizing exposure to spaces harsh environment. Just make sure the moon is opposite of the sun at the time (seen from earth).
  • become so massive :gravity will automatically pull the sun and earth closer together. At that point he would be so heavy he'd become the center of the earth. Literally! Well not quite actually since a humans density is much lower than earths average density, so instead his body would wrap itself around earth (obv killing him in the process), completely covering all water on earth, protecting it from evaporation.
« Last Edit: August 25, 2018, 12:49:08 am by kaempfer13 »
:gravity War 10
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Master of :time War 12

Offline CleanOnionTopic starter

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Re: Writing Competition: Haphazard Heroics https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=66289.msg1279425#msg1279425
« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2018, 01:19:15 am »
Hey kaempfer, your concerns re: physics are noted. I wouldn't dream of writing scientific inaccuracies in anything, and as such, I spent many months describing Mr Resizable's abilities in painstakingly-accurate detail. While the full document is sadly unavailable on account of being seized by the US Department of Anomalous Individuals Secrecy Committee, I am able to share the following details:

Spoiler for Hidden:
Quote
He might  become so heavy he just falls through earths crust burning alive in the magma underneath it (this can be alleviated to a degree by making the surface of his feet bigger, however the surace area of his feet needs to grow as fast as his volume which means they grow much faster than the rest of his body)
Mr Resizable is always careful to only enlarge himself in car parks, which have concrete floors and thus are not possible to fall through on account of being very hard.

Quote
The impact of jumping of would send large quantities of particles flying which would remain in the troposphere for some :time blocking off the sunlight from earths surface making it colder
Mr Resizable jumped at night, so there is no sunlight to block.

Quote
become so huge he finds another celestial body to stand on (lets say the moon)
This is actually correct - Mr Resizable stood on Mars and reached across to Earth to push it. The Moon remains missing; leading theories suspect that it drifted into his ear.

Quote
he could keep his head inside earths atmosphere to breathe and his body parts alternately freezing off and boiling alive would actually be acceptable, as his surface area would become tiny compared to his sheer volume, minimizing exposure to spaces harsh environment. Just make sure the moon is opposite of the sun at the time (seen from earth).
Mr Resizable makes sure to drink a can of hot Heinz™ Cream of Tomato and Basil Soup before he resizes, ensuring that he is kept warm no matter what the winter season (or space) throws at him! Enjoy a warm mugful of Heinz™ on any cold day. Heinz™ promises to make your winter a steamy one. Other brands are available. Terms and conditions apply.

Quote
become so massive :gravity will automatically pull the sun and earth closer together
Mr Resizable would have to actually be between the Earth and the Sun for this to happen. Mr Resizable was actually on the other side of the Earth to the Sun, and chose to push it closer to the Sun. However, the strategy you describe would have been much more effective.

Quote
At that point he would be so heavy he'd become the center of the earth. Literally! Well not quite actually since a humans density is much lower than earths average density, so instead his body would wrap itself around earth (obv killing him in the process), completely covering all water on earth, protecting it from evaporation.
Mr Resizable was voted Most Likely To Become The Centre Of The Earth at his high school graduation. Those times are difficult memories for Mr Resizable, as his abilities made him the target of multiple bullying campaigns, and his lawyers request that you do not use offensive terminology such as "centre", "earth" and "human" to describe him.

Offline Wyand

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Re: Writing Competition: Haphazard Heroics https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=66289.msg1279427#msg1279427
« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2018, 01:24:54 am »
I'm thoroughly enjoying your banter. :D
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Offline InsignificantWeeaboo

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Re: Writing Competition: Haphazard Heroics https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=66289.msg1279437#msg1279437
« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2018, 07:03:29 am »
Spoiler for The Tarrasque in Tokyo:
It was 2XXX, and Tokyo was as busy as ever. They have just finished repairing the damages from the latest attack from a giant monster. General Hachimitsu Mamoru, a battle-hardened veteran and leader of the Beastly Defense Corps, was supervising the reconstruction program as they finished rebuilding the final apartment complex. He smiled, knowing that Japan was safe for the time being. Suddenly, the ground shook for a couple of seconds. The fabled Tarrasque had awoken from its slumber and started devouring everything in sight. Hachimitsu, being understandably exasperated, approached the sign saying "This City Has Worked 14 Days Without Attacks From Monsters" and erased the 14; in its place, he wrote the number zero.
Back at the BDC Headquarters, everyone was arguing over how they should deal with the new attacker.
"There's another behemoth running loose in Tokyo," Hachimitsu begun, "we need to stop it before it leaves the city in ruins!"
"Most of the troops are out fighting the Tarrasque and are being devoured whole as we speak," Lieutenant Nakamura Kanjiro noted.
"And the remaining troops are currently evacuating the citizens," Umezawa Emiho, who was in charge of the logistics, added.
Hachimitsu turned to Ikeda Koichi, the head engineer. "Ikeda, how's Project G**DAM coming along?" he asked.
"W-We haven't even begun designing the interface!" he replied, nervously.
"There's always the option of nuking it." Nakamura suggested.
"And make Tokyo into the third Hiroshima? Great idea." Umezawa retorted.
"Yeah, like you're one to talk. Remind me how effective your giant mousetrap was!"
"CAN WE FOCUS?!" Hachimitsu yelled, preventing any tensions from increasing.
Things were looking bleak. It seemed like there was no way to stop this beast, but then suddenly the newest member of the Corps, Kitamura Nozomi, came up with an idea.
"How about we try reasoning with it?"
It was extremely stupid, but since they had no other options they drew straws. Nakamura got the short end; he sighed, grabbed the nearest megaphone, downed a bottle of sake, and went outside. It was a pretty long walk, but he eventually found where the Tarrasque was. He pointed the megaphone at the beast and yelled, "HEY, TERRY!"
Surprisingly, the monster responded and gave him eye contact...or the closest thing to it.
Nakamura continued, "Why don't you go pick on another superpower? I mean, there are other countries besides Japan!"
"Terry" paused, as if it could understand what Nakamura was saying.
"There's a place called 'China' in that general direction. Why don't you go and rampage there?" he asked, pointing where China was.
The Tarrasque stood there for a little while longer, and started wandering off in the direction of China. Of course it had a couple of snacks along the way, including more of Japan and a bit of South Korea, but it eventually left Tokyo to destroy China. Nakamura stood there, wondering what was in the sake he just drank. The rest of the Corps, watching from a distance, approached Nakamura and were ready to congratulate him for his negotiation efforts
"See, I told you it would work!" Kitamira cheerfully exclaimed.
"Only barely," Nakamura mumbled.
"It's gonna take a while until the damages caused by the Tarrasque are fixed," Umezawa noted, "the attack a couple of weeks ago was expensive, and I think the attack from the Tarrasque is going to cost more than that. Also, 'Terry'? Really?"
"I took a vacation to New York recently," Nakamura explained.
"Putting that aside," Ikeda said, "was it really the best idea to send the Tarrasque over to China instead of, well, dispatching it?"
Hachimitsu replied, "I don't think it would have let us without a fight. Besides, they're communists."
The BDC went back to the headquarters, leaving Hachimitsu to watch over the damaged city. He smiled, knowing that Tokyo was safe once again.
« Last Edit: August 25, 2018, 05:46:53 pm by InsignificantWeeaboo »
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Offline Old_Toothy

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Re: Writing Competition: Haphazard Heroics, "An Inconvenient Factory" https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=66289.msg1279457#msg1279457
« Reply #5 on: August 25, 2018, 12:56:50 pm »
Spoiler for Submission:
"An Inconvenient Factory"

James "Hero" Harris, the newly elected Ecolitan Party President of the United States of America, was having a bad day, week, month, and first 100 days in office.  His initial campaign promises - to reduce greenhouse gas emissions by 20% through judicious use of alternative and renewable energy sources, to hold taxes from rising further than the 67% flat tax instituted during the previous POTUS's term, and to ensure that all children receive at least one balanced, nutritious meal every day at his promised Community Nutrient Redistribution Centers, where "Soy-lint Emerald" is freely available to all - were all mostly getting blocked in the Senate, or getting legislated into something completely different from his vision, clearly a partisan attack from the Dems, Reps, Libs, and Inds.  The worst of his problems had recently come to a head as the Factories intended to help with unemployment while using green energy and producing "Soy-Lint Emerald" had been completely redesigned by the Corporate controlled Congress, and was using a mixture of coal, U-235, and wood to power the enormous engines required in the production of "Soy-Lint" foodstuffs.  These catastrophically redesigned factories were spewing a corrosive and mordant smoke into the atmosphere at unprecedented rates.  In addition, his detractors had uncovered information he had not even known, the primary source of protein for "Soy-Lint".  Finally, the cost of building the factories had far exceeded expectations and he had been forced to nudge taxes to 68%.  All of these things had made his first 100 days a dismal failure.  All living things were developing growths and lesions from the new pollution from the Factories, and riots were breaking out across the country from the Gulf of Mexico to the Arctic Ocean.  Feeling frustrated, defeated, embarrassed, and desperate, he considered his choices and remembered a piece of a briefing he had attended while eating lunch: "...Tarrasque....known to eat...blah, blah, blah, buildings..." Suddenly filled with inspiration, he turned to the only option available to save the world from the looming disaster of Factory Pollution: He broke the glass cover and pressed the Big Red Button, releasing the Tarrasque.
« Last Edit: August 27, 2018, 11:45:10 am by Old_Toothy »

Offline Manuel

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Re: Writing Competition: Haphazard Heroics https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=66289.msg1279461#msg1279461
« Reply #6 on: August 25, 2018, 04:57:48 pm »
since i am a very sensible guy, i decided to write an haiku

Spoiler for Hidden:
under the cherry trees
a terrasque 2.0 premium edition
eat another terrasque

Offline CleanOnionTopic starter

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Re: Writing Competition: Haphazard Heroics https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=66289.msg1279467#msg1279467
« Reply #7 on: August 25, 2018, 05:58:37 pm »
Ah yes that common haiku format that goes 6-12-6 syllables

but that's hilarious
« Last Edit: August 25, 2018, 07:31:46 pm by CleanOnion »

Offline CleanOnionTopic starter

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Re: Writing Competition: Haphazard Heroics https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=66289.msg1279851#msg1279851
« Reply #8 on: September 03, 2018, 10:19:13 pm »
4 days left on the timer!

The world isn't going to save itself!

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Re: Writing Competition: Haphazard Heroics https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=66289.msg1279863#msg1279863
« Reply #9 on: September 04, 2018, 05:43:30 am »
Spoiler for Mooncake Monday:
Mooncake Monday
Chapter 1

"Firetruck," muttered Angela under her breath. She let a soft but deep sigh as she tried to freeze time in her mind. The explosions and cries of agony faded into unintelligible whispers as if she were submerged in a tank of water, viewing the action unfold but unable to make any sense of it. So many sensations were rushing through her body but they dissolved like cotton candy before her mind could contemplate their meaning. "Boom!" Another blast went off but this one zoomed only a few feet away from Angela, kicking up the soil and spraying loose chunks into her face. This was just enough to bring her to her senses. Angela blinked twice, her heart began to climb steadily upwards, and reality rushed back into focus like a scene from a war movie. "I've got to get moving," she remarked urgently. "I can still fix this if I just get to the code in time." Angela took two steps to her left and then quickly transitioned into a frantic sprint.

Halfway across the corn field Jet yelled out for his son. "Franz! Franz!" He screamed until his lungs were about to burst but he could barely even hear his own voice amongst the noise around him. Squirming around, Jet grunted as he tried once again to untie the ropes holding him to the ground but his hands were too immobilized to do little more than stretch his fingers. All he could see was the clear blue sky peacefully maintaining status quo, as if to mock him about how little it cared about the situation unfolding below. "Clack!" A fist sized rocked rolled several times over after being kicked by one of Jet's flailing legs. Pausing, Jet took a deep breath and then extended his leg as far as it could go in the direction of the rock. "Yes!" he exclaimed as the front edge of his shoe just barely made contact with the top of the rock. Jet pulled the rock in and positioned it under his body. Using the sharp edge of the rock as a knife, he slid his body up and down along the ground, rubbing the rope against the solid surface. After 10 grueling minutes, Jet was free and he quickly jumped to his feet with only one thought in his mind, Franz.

"Let me in! Let me in!" yelled Angela.

The guard looked at her unfazed. "This is government property, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"But I know how to stop the Mooncakes! If you just let me in I-"

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ask again."

Vaguely recalling some quote about heroes and not wearing capes, Angela let her instincts take over and grabbed the metal chair next to the guard firmly with both hands before knocking the guard unconscious with it. She leaned down to slide the guard's right arm to his side, leaving him slightly more presentable than before, then dashing off herself into the nearby building.

The inside of the building was almost as chaotic as the outside world Angela had just left behind. Officials running through the halls, sirens blaring, and shouting from all directions distracted from the above average architectural beauty of the structure's interior. "Now which way was it," she whispered before heading towards the south side of the building to access the stairwell to the 5th floor. The pathway she was following mirrored the same routine she executed a week prior during the hack. She hadn't planned on ever returning but a careless overlook in the Mooncake's coding led her to this present fate. As she paced through the hall Angela thought to herself, "If all had just gone according to plan the government wouldn't know we even stole five of their Mooncakes and Operation CC's final phase would almost be complete by now." Annoyed but determined, Angela opened up the door to the stairwell and began climbing two steps at a time.

"Surely that wasn't him," thought Jet as he tried to reassure himself. Jet ran silently towards the cloud of dust covering the spot where he had just seen a small figure knocked back by a blast from one of the bigger Mooncakes. As he approached the area, he gradually changed his pace from a sprint to a careful walk. As if he were swatting at a fly, Jet began flailing his arms aimlessly in an unsuccessful attempt to clear out the dust. Coughing every few seconds, he continued forward until reaching where he thought he had seen the figure land, at which point he stopped. "Frrr-Frrra-Franz," said Jet timidly, almost afraid to even let the word come out. With no breeze in the air the dust settled slowly, but after a minute of what seemed like eternity, the air was clear enough to just make out a face and Jet immediately held his breath.

Just inside the yellow walled room on the fifth floor lay the computers with access to all the coding and controls for the Mooncakes. Angela peered through the window and could see about six people inside. The tall, black-haired boy and the blond girl wearing a navy suit were banging away at two of computers' keyboards while the other four were crowding around them at an uncomfortable close distance while shouting words and clenching their fists. Angela knew they were trying to regain control of the Mooncakes but also knew they were working pointlessly because she had directed all access of those five Mooncakes to herself. Although she had control of the Mooncakes, she still needed access to the government's programming in order to change the base code within the Mooncakes. Looking for ways to get past the six government officials, Angela's eyes rested upon another metal chair sitting outside the room. However, she knew she would only be able to knock out maybe one or two people before getting ganged up on herself, and frankly she was out of breath. Knowing it was for the greater good, Angela confidently opened the door, pulled out her M9, and swiftly dispatched the six members in the room. Sighing a breath of relief, she knew she had achieved a chance at redemption.

Clicking rapidly on the mouse, Angela's eyes lit up as she found the text she was looking for. The screen read, "...every enemy creature in a field line."  With a click of the mouse and 5 taps on the backspace, the new text on the screen read, "...every enemy creature in a field."

"Ha. Perfect!"

Angela smiled and then laughed about how ridiculous it was that the removal of one word was going to save the world. With the previous text, the Mooncakes needed to find at least two creatures in a field in order to generate a line, and they were also only able to shoot blasts in a line. This alone was an issue but to make things worse, due to lack of government funding the Mooncakes depth perception was quite bad. This led to an unforeseen issue of when the Mooncakes would fire their blast, they would fire it as such a strong force that the blast would travel in a line for 3 miles long, ensuring that the Mooncake eliminating all targets within its designated line. Of course this meant any usage of the stolen Mooncakes would not go unnoticed, leading to the events of November 7th. Angela sunk into her chair and watched the news channels broadcast the Mooncakes rampaging through all the corn and wheat fields in the area, killing every living creature and human that remained in the fields. The Mooncakes blasted away in a much more reserved manner, only blasting a small radius around its target or shooting in short lines, curved lines, or other shapes that traveled far shorter than 3 miles. After the Mooncakes finished destroying all life in the fields, they shutdown as they were programmed too, allowing the government to safely retrieve them. By the end of the day, the death toll had reached a staggering ten thousand individuals because of the small city that stood close to the corn fields and much of the surrounding nature was burned to a crisp. Angela shed a couple tears thinking about how everything had gone so wrong that day but closed her eyes and breathed because she knew she had just saved Operation Crop Circle from failing in its final phase.

"Can you believe how hard it would be to make crop circles with only 3 mile long lines," she cackled. "The martians from Mars would certainly obliterate our planet after seeing that pitiful display. Unfortunately I'm going to have to hack into the government again to get our hands on some more Mooncakes. Oh, and since the five from today did such a good job killing off all the animals in the field, we'll probably need some more people to tie up and throw into the corn stalks."

Angela brushed her hands together and smirked, satisfied with starting the work week with another successful and heroic venture.
« Last Edit: September 04, 2018, 05:45:22 am by shockcannon »
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Offline MyNameIsJoey

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Re: Writing Competition: Haphazard Heroics https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=66289.msg1279966#msg1279966
« Reply #10 on: September 05, 2018, 04:05:18 pm »
Card is : zombie apocalypse.

Spoiler for Hidden:
JonathanCrazyBrains was such an idiot. Honestly, someone as dumb as him probably doesn't exist in the whole universe. His evil masterplan worked, he created a zombie apocalypse, but he never found a way to protect himself. He was about to die to his own zombies. What a shame. What an idiot. So here comes the story of how JonathanCrazyBrains saves the world from his own zombies.

JonathanCrazyBrains, or JCB for short, had to find a plan. Problem is, he made his zombie invasion so perfect in the first place. You can never win a fight against the dead because as you start fighting, you get casualties, and they join the enemy. JCB had to find a plan, and fast. But he was stupid. How he even created the zombie apocalypse in the first place, nobody knows. Hell he doesn't even know himself. If only he actually did have a brain... maybe zombies will leave him alone if they can't get to his brains... THAT'S IT!

JCB found the perfect plan, but he needed help. He found a lady that was happy to help! Her name was JoanCrazyJoan. So JCB and JCJ worked and worked for hours. JCB would let nobody enter his lab, he didn'T want anyone to steal his plan! He was going to save the world, nobody else!

After a few hours, JCJ and JCB had finished : They had built a spaceship! And the were leaving to another planet where they would have kids and recreate the whole human race.

Did JCB save the world? Technically, no. Does he care? Technically, no.


« Last Edit: September 08, 2018, 12:20:38 am by ji412jo »
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Offline ARTHANASIOS

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Re: Writing Competition: Haphazard Heroics https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=66289.msg1279967#msg1279967
« Reply #11 on: September 05, 2018, 04:40:22 pm »
Spoiler for Capitalism Strikes Back!:
A man belonging to the working class, wearing a brown coat and a red scarf, walks on the cold road and stops in front of a building that looks abandoned. A heavy iron door stands on his way. A small iron window slides open.

 Oh, it is you, "Marx"!, a voice from the other side said.
 Yes, it is me, comrade "Lenin"!, the man with the coat and the scarf replied. Open the door please, I am in a hurry...

 "Lenin" pulled the rusted iron door hard and a middle-aged man appeared, wearing a dark blue worker's uniform and a red belt. He led "Marx" to the main room, where two people were sitting a little uncomfortably, trying to relax and warm themselves by drinking hot coffee. They were a man and a woman; the man, known only as "Engels", was wearing a red hat and the clothes of a poor farmer; the woman, known only as "Rosa", wore a red dress and held a newspaper.

 Welcome, comrade "Marx", have you heard the news?, "Rosa" said while handing "Marx" her newspaper.
 I have heard just rumors. Are things that bad, comrades?, "Marx" said.
 Things are even worse., "Engels" replied while drinking some of his coffee. "Our socialistic government was overthrown, now we are reigned by Capitalism!"

 "Marx" grabbed the newspaper and started reading loudly.

 The socialistic state of Elementia had seen its economy crumbling to dust in just 24 hours. By exploiting the new extremely low land prices, an infamous world-known capitalist has bought the whole state in just one night! This capitalistic businessman, known only as "Mr. Monopoly", holds now the true power behind Elementia and plans to change the government from communistic to capitalistic!

 "Marx" ended his speech...

 Oh my god! Oh, wait... I am an atheist., "Lenin" shouted.
 What are we going to do now?, "Rosa" cried.
 The only thing we can do is to stay here, in our Sactuary, "Engels" concluded...
« Last Edit: September 05, 2018, 04:42:38 pm by ARTHANASIOS »
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