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Writing Competition: Haphazard Heroics [VOTING] https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=66328.msg1280072#msg1280072
« on: September 08, 2018, 12:00:49 am »
Haphazard Heroics

>>>Rules<<<


Submissions

Spoiler for Submission 1 "Totally Inoffensive Panda":

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT ALL THE PANDAS?

Just force them to breed.

HOW WILL THAT HELP?

They'll be extinct within the year.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO UNTIL THEN?

Let's just present them with a gigantic array of food of all kinds, a bounty, if you will.

WE BARELY HAVE ENOUGH FOOD FOR US!

Don't worry, they won't eat any of it. They'll literally evolve to eat the least nutritional thing there and starve when it runs out.

CAN'T WE JUST KILL THEM?

I mean, probably, they'd just cuddle you probably.

WELL WHY DON'T WE?

They're endangered you heartless dribblewit.


Spoiler for Submission 2 "Moar":
"Supreme Leader!" - the door slammed open and a little man entered panting heavily.
"I-tis-co-llapsing!" - he spat out the words in a strange articulation, thwarted by
his own quick breathing. One hundred and seventy-six steps and no elevator.
"What is whatting?" - answered the calm, deep voice, while still musing about
something looking out the window. Many steps to not bother the Supreme Leader so easily...
but thisisimportant,thisisimportant, THIS IS IMPORTANT!
The little man seemed both
extremely excited and anxious. A drop of sweat rolled down all along his temple and cheek.

"Quench your nerves my good Thelonious!" - sounded the reassuring voice of the
simply dressed man of power as he turned around. Finally, the nervous little man found
his composure and now, with proper articulation made himself clear: "It is collapsing,
Supreme Leader." After a moment of silence the leader's words are both
serene and curious: "What is collapsing, Thelonious?"

"The economy. The whole System."

"How is that possible?" - feigned surprise was visible on the man's face.

"Everything worked fine. For decades people did what they were supposed to do.
They lived, consumed, reproduced and died. Your idea, The System seemed flawless."

"It is flawless, isn't it?" - the leader looked mildly questioningly at his First Secretary.

"Supreme Leader" - hesitated the little man - "it seemed... it is self-perpetuating..."

"What can possibly go wrong with a self-perpetuating system?" - asked him, while still
only a hint of nuisance was visible on his face.

"This is it, Supreme Leader! People in their endless rage to consume just want more
and more and more! It is like, when the wheels would move faster but the chassis..."

"Then give'em moar!" - aborted his reasoning.

"Supreme Leader? More?"

"No! Moar!"

"Sir? What is the difference?"

"M.O.A.R. Our rarely used secret weapon. Has solved such situations previously."

"Sir, I don't know if, uh, such machineries can solve these matters which delve
so deeply into..."

"My dear Thelonious. Do you trust my experience and decisions?"

"Yes, Supreme Leader!" - sounded the obedient answer, but he couldn't forget the creeping doom.
He still looked anxious. I should continue with my arguments, I should antagonize... but... I cannot...

"Good. Then do the paperwork. I give you the needed clearances."

"Yes, Supreme Leader!". And with that he left the room, still unconvinced. M.O.A.R. What
does it mean?


The Supreme Leader ruled for ages. Maybe for too long. With the passing years we are
getting used to solve situations in a similar manner. Thelonious will soon learn that
M.O.A.R. stands for Mass Orthodoxic Attitude Replicator.

Spoiler for Submission 3 "The End of History":
The end of history is upon us as predicted by the Mayans.

But fear not, citizens, because Scibbly Blab is here to eliminate your fears!

Let's see... Find all history books and erase the letter Y from the end of the word History.

Problem solved.

Spoiler for Submission 4 "Bam! Boo!":
The board of Evil incorporated was quite pleased that the design of chief inventor of Doomsday Devices™, Manuel -- the Totally Inoffensive Panda -- was seeing massive sales in toy stores. The bears, mainly bought for children, were programmed to view their owner as their parent and to cling on indefinitely.  They would attach themselves to the child-owner and become inseparable buddies.  Chief inventor Manuel also programmed the panda robots to say the kindest, most inoffensive things to their child owners. Parents at first loved this very thoughtful, well-spoken toy.  It was an international fad not seen since the days of tamagatchi and giga pets.  For the time being, parents went along with this fad.  Children with attached panda bears were seen everywhere.  It’s not an exaggeration to say that the toys were creating Pandamonium all across the Earth.   

Evil incorporated was also pleased that all the panda propaganda was working.  They heavily invested in sequels to the Kung Fu Panda film series.   They were behind every “Save the panda” campaign. As we all know, panda bears are nearing extinction so there has been massive public support to save them.  However, it was only a matter of time until some overly protective medical organization tried to argue that too much panda time was unhealthy, as they had similarly argued about too much screen time being bad for adolescent development.  Evil incorporated also funded the public health campaigns to remove the toys after the release of the bears in toy stores.  The evil organization could barely bear the wait for the explosive results.

Things were going according to plan.  That is until Inspector M. Bareassment was alerted to a situation and began investigating.  Authorities in the Banana Republic reported that a group of medicinal weed smokers had suddenly exploded with the lifeless panda toys found nearby the remains.  As the inspector investigated further, he learned that the smokers were attracted to the plants the panda bears came with, thinking this might be a new plant with undiscovered psychedelic effects.  Learning that it was just bamboo, the smokers lost interest and removed the bears.  They were suddenly s'blown to oblivion.
 
Inspector M quickly linked the deaths to the pandas and learned of the destructive nature of the toys.  Realizing the horrific plot and danger for all children and panda enthusiasts, the inspector worked quick to find a solution and announced a public warning on all global media..
BREAKING NEWS:: THIS BEAR IS NOT A TOY.  IMMEDIATELY RECALL YOUR CHILD AND TOY TO THE NEAREST DECONTAMINATION CENTER [/b]

The Plan:
The remaining 50 panda bears in the world were to be placed in decontamination centers.  All children with attached pandas were transported to these centers.  The theory was that the robotic pandas would conclude that a real panda bear was an even more desirable parent/host than a human child and willingly move their attachment to the real panda bears.  The plan was now in action.  It was working.  The robotic pandas were removing themselves and attaching on to the real panda bear hosts.  The children were free and safe.

However, the real panda bears refused to see the robotic bears as their children.  The real panda bears threw the fake dolls off of them.  Inspector M. Bareassment had saved the world once again but another animal was added to the extinct species list.

Spoiler for Submission 5 "The Stolen Scythe":
"The AirScroll network has given it many names. The Life Reaver. The Thresher's Blade. The Death Counter. Popular content creator InsignificantWeeaboo has dubbed it 'The Reaper's Scythe,' a moniker that already has its own fanscroll and raised three hundred thousand electrum in donations to charity. According to speculation, it is capable of harvesting souls faster than a speeding bullet. All of this, because it was stolen last night by our very special guest. Please give a warm welcome to the righteous and mighty Man-At-Arms!" The hostess raises her voice at the end, beckoning the hero to join her on the stage.

"Thank you, thank you all! I'm glad to be here." With a grin, the armed crimefighter enters the view of the cameras, twirling the ominously glowing death scythe as he makes his way to his seat.

"So what can you tell us about your latest acquisition? This isn't the first time you've appropriated weapons from evildoers. What makes the Reaper's Scythe so special?"

"The Reaper's Scythe was designed by the foul minds of Evil Incorporated as a Doomsday Device™ with few peers. It has the insidious ability to convert willing souls into power!" He stabs the pointy end of the scythe into the ground at this pronouncement, a soft swishing noise punctuating his statement with the finality of death.

"Willing souls, you say?" The hostess backs into her seat nervously. This wasn't in the plan! They were supposed to segue into the memes!

"Yes. That's actually how I was able to defeat the original owner. The scythe is able to kill allies in exchange for greater power. Everybody knows that villains are friendless and work alone, so the scythe didn't have much of an advantage for him! He barely even had minions, and they all ran away when he brought it out. I was able to overpower that fiend with ease, as the scythe was running on 0.8% energy! Imagine what this wonder weapon could do if it was running at maximum! I shudder to think of a villain wielding that much strength."

"Yes, that does sound rather unpleasant." The hostess manages not to blanch at the terrifying thought, years of experience allowing her to maintain a neutral expression at the hero's derailment of the planned script.

"Heroes, on the other hand, work together in teams and have many readily available sacrifices, so this tool is perfect for the forces of justice. Imagine what it could do at full power! As true heroes are selfless creatures, they will certainly agree to lay down their lives in pursuit strengthening the forces of good. I've contacted the Justice Legion and Alpha Team, and we are in very promising talks. My very own apprentice, Boy-At-Arms, has already had his soul reaped for justice!"

Spoiler for Submission 6 "Capitalism Strikes Back!":
A man belonging to the working class, wearing a brown coat and a red scarf, walks on the cold road and stops in front of a building that looks abandoned. A heavy iron door stands on his way. A small iron window slides open.

 Oh, it is you, "Marx"!, a voice from the other side said.
 Yes, it is me, comrade "Lenin"!, the man with the coat and the scarf replied. Open the door please, I am in a hurry...

 "Lenin" pulled the rusted iron door hard and a middle-aged man appeared, wearing a dark blue worker's uniform and a red belt. He led "Marx" to the main room, where two people were sitting a little uncomfortably, trying to relax and warm themselves by drinking hot coffee. They were a man and a woman; the man, known only as "Engels", was wearing a red hat and the clothes of a poor farmer; the woman, known only as "Rosa", wore a red dress and held a newspaper.

 Welcome, comrade "Marx", have you heard the news?, "Rosa" said while handing "Marx" her newspaper.
 I have heard just rumors. Are things that bad, comrades?, "Marx" said.
 Things are even worse., "Engels" replied while drinking some of his coffee. "Our socialistic government was overthrown, now we are reigned by Capitalism!"

 "Marx" grabbed the newspaper and started reading loudly.

 The socialistic state of Elementia had seen its economy crumbling to dust in just 24 hours. By exploiting the new extremely low land prices, an infamous world-known capitalist has bought the whole state in just one night! This capitalistic businessman, known only as "Mr. Monopoly", holds now the true power behind Elementia and plans to change the government from communistic to capitalistic!

 "Marx" ended his speech...

 Oh my god! Oh, wait... I am an atheist., "Lenin" shouted.
 What are we going to do now?, "Rosa" cried.
 The only thing we can do is to stay here, in our Sactuary, "Engels" concluded...

Spoiler for Submission 7:
JonathanCrazyBrains was such an idiot. Honestly, someone as dumb as him probably doesn't exist in the whole universe. His evil masterplan worked, he created a zombie apocalypse, but he never found a way to protect himself. He was about to die to his own zombies. What a shame. What an idiot. So here comes the story of how JonathanCrazyBrains saves the world from his own zombies.

JonathanCrazyBrains, or JCB for short, had to find a plan. Problem is, he made his zombie invasion so perfect in the first place. You can never win a fight against the dead because as you start fighting, you get casualties, and they join the enemy. JCB had to find a plan, and fast. But he was stupid. How he even created the zombie apocalypse in the first place, nobody knows. Hell he doesn't even know himself. If only he actually did have a brain... maybe zombies will leave him alone if they can't get to his brains... THAT'S IT!

JCB found the perfect plan, but he needed help. He found a lady that was happy to help! Her name was JoanCrazyJoan. So JCB and JCJ worked and worked for hours. JCB would let nobody enter his lab, he didn'T want anyone to steal his plan! He was going to save the world, nobody else!

After a few hours, JCJ and JCB had finished : They had built a spaceship! And the were leaving to another planet where they would have kids and recreate the whole human race.

Did JCB save the world? Technically, no. Does he care? Technically, no.


Spoiler for Submission 8 "Mooncake Monday":
Mooncake Monday
Chapter 1

"Firetruck," muttered Angela under her breath. She let a soft but deep sigh as she tried to freeze time in her mind. The explosions and cries of agony faded into unintelligible whispers as if she were submerged in a tank of water, viewing the action unfold but unable to make any sense of it. So many sensations were rushing through her body but they dissolved like cotton candy before her mind could contemplate their meaning. "Boom!" Another blast went off but this one zoomed only a few feet away from Angela, kicking up the soil and spraying loose chunks into her face. This was just enough to bring her to her senses. Angela blinked twice, her heart began to climb steadily upwards, and reality rushed back into focus like a scene from a war movie. "I've got to get moving," she remarked urgently. "I can still fix this if I just get to the code in time." Angela took two steps to her left and then quickly transitioned into a frantic sprint.

Halfway across the corn field Jet yelled out for his son. "Franz! Franz!" He screamed until his lungs were about to burst but he could barely even hear his own voice amongst the noise around him. Squirming around, Jet grunted as he tried once again to untie the ropes holding him to the ground but his hands were too immobilized to do little more than stretch his fingers. All he could see was the clear blue sky peacefully maintaining status quo, as if to mock him about how little it cared about the situation unfolding below. "Clack!" A fist sized rocked rolled several times over after being kicked by one of Jet's flailing legs. Pausing, Jet took a deep breath and then extended his leg as far as it could go in the direction of the rock. "Yes!" he exclaimed as the front edge of his shoe just barely made contact with the top of the rock. Jet pulled the rock in and positioned it under his body. Using the sharp edge of the rock as a knife, he slid his body up and down along the ground, rubbing the rope against the solid surface. After 10 grueling minutes, Jet was free and he quickly jumped to his feet with only one thought in his mind, Franz.

"Let me in! Let me in!" yelled Angela.

The guard looked at her unfazed. "This is government property, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"But I know how to stop the Mooncakes! If you just let me in I-"

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ask again."

Vaguely recalling some quote about heroes and not wearing capes, Angela let her instincts take over and grabbed the metal chair next to the guard firmly with both hands before knocking the guard unconscious with it. She leaned down to slide the guard's right arm to his side, leaving him slightly more presentable than before, then dashing off herself into the nearby building.

The inside of the building was almost as chaotic as the outside world Angela had just left behind. Officials running through the halls, sirens blaring, and shouting from all directions distracted from the above average architectural beauty of the structure's interior. "Now which way was it," she whispered before heading towards the south side of the building to access the stairwell to the 5th floor. The pathway she was following mirrored the same routine she executed a week prior during the hack. She hadn't planned on ever returning but a careless overlook in the Mooncake's coding led her to this present fate. As she paced through the hall Angela thought to herself, "If all had just gone according to plan the government wouldn't know we even stole five of their Mooncakes and Operation CC's final phase would almost be complete by now." Annoyed but determined, Angela opened up the door to the stairwell and began climbing two steps at a time.

"Surely that wasn't him," thought Jet as he tried to reassure himself. Jet ran silently towards the cloud of dust covering the spot where he had just seen a small figure knocked back by a blast from one of the bigger Mooncakes. As he approached the area, he gradually changed his pace from a sprint to a careful walk. As if he were swatting at a fly, Jet began flailing his arms aimlessly in an unsuccessful attempt to clear out the dust. Coughing every few seconds, he continued forward until reaching where he thought he had seen the figure land, at which point he stopped. "Frrr-Frrra-Franz," said Jet timidly, almost afraid to even let the word come out. With no breeze in the air the dust settled slowly, but after a minute of what seemed like eternity, the air was clear enough to just make out a face and Jet immediately held his breath.

Just inside the yellow walled room on the fifth floor lay the computers with access to all the coding and controls for the Mooncakes. Angela peered through the window and could see about six people inside. The tall, black-haired boy and the blond girl wearing a navy suit were banging away at two of computers' keyboards while the other four were crowding around them at an uncomfortable close distance while shouting words and clenching their fists. Angela knew they were trying to regain control of the Mooncakes but also knew they were working pointlessly because she had directed all access of those five Mooncakes to herself. Although she had control of the Mooncakes, she still needed access to the government's programming in order to change the base code within the Mooncakes. Looking for ways to get past the six government officials, Angela's eyes rested upon another metal chair sitting outside the room. However, she knew she would only be able to knock out maybe one or two people before getting ganged up on herself, and frankly she was out of breath. Knowing it was for the greater good, Angela confidently opened the door, pulled out her M9, and swiftly dispatched the six members in the room. Sighing a breath of relief, she knew she had achieved a chance at redemption.

Clicking rapidly on the mouse, Angela's eyes lit up as she found the text she was looking for. The screen read, "...every enemy creature in a field line."  With a click of the mouse and 5 taps on the backspace, the new text on the screen read, "...every enemy creature in a field."

"Ha. Perfect!"

Angela smiled and then laughed about how ridiculous it was that the removal of one word was going to save the world. With the previous text, the Mooncakes needed to find at least two creatures in a field in order to generate a line, and they were also only able to shoot blasts in a line. This alone was an issue but to make things worse, due to lack of government funding the Mooncakes depth perception was quite bad. This led to an unforeseen issue of when the Mooncakes would fire their blast, they would fire it as such a strong force that the blast would travel in a line for 3 miles long, ensuring that the Mooncake eliminating all targets within its designated line. Of course this meant any usage of the stolen Mooncakes would not go unnoticed, leading to the events of November 7th. Angela sunk into her chair and watched the news channels broadcast the Mooncakes rampaging through all the corn and wheat fields in the area, killing every living creature and human that remained in the fields. The Mooncakes blasted away in a much more reserved manner, only blasting a small radius around its target or shooting in short lines, curved lines, or other shapes that traveled far shorter than 3 miles. After the Mooncakes finished destroying all life in the fields, they shutdown as they were programmed too, allowing the government to safely retrieve them. By the end of the day, the death toll had reached a staggering ten thousand individuals because of the small city that stood close to the corn fields and much of the surrounding nature was burned to a crisp. Angela shed a couple tears thinking about how everything had gone so wrong that day but closed her eyes and breathed because she knew she had just saved Operation Crop Circle from failing in its final phase.

"Can you believe how hard it would be to make crop circles with only 3 mile long lines," she cackled. "The martians from Mars would certainly obliterate our planet after seeing that pitiful display. Unfortunately I'm going to have to hack into the government again to get our hands on some more Mooncakes. Oh, and since the five from today did such a good job killing off all the animals in the field, we'll probably need some more people to tie up and throw into the corn stalks."

Angela brushed her hands together and smirked, satisfied with starting the work week with another successful and heroic venture.

Spoiler for Submission 9:
under the cherry trees
a terrasque 2.0 premium edition
eat another terrasque

Spoiler for Submission 10 "An Inconvenient Factory":

James "Hero" Harris, the newly elected Ecolitan Party President of the United States of America, was having a bad day, week, month, and first 100 days in office.  His initial campaign promises - to reduce greenhouse gas emissions by 20% through judicious use of alternative and renewable energy sources, to hold taxes from rising further than the 67% flat tax instituted during the previous POTUS's term, and to ensure that all children receive at least one balanced, nutritious meal every day at his promised Community Nutrient Redistribution Centers, where "Soy-lint Emerald" is freely available to all - were all mostly getting blocked in the Senate, or getting legislated into something completely different from his vision, clearly a partisan attack from the Dems, Reps, Libs, and Inds.  The worst of his problems had recently come to a head as the Factories intended to help with unemployment while using green energy and producing "Soy-Lint Emerald" had been completely redesigned by the Corporate controlled Congress, and was using a mixture of coal, U-235, and wood to power the enormous engines required in the production of "Soy-Lint" foodstuffs.  These catastrophically redesigned factories were spewing a corrosive and mordant smoke into the atmosphere at unprecedented rates.  In addition, his detractors had uncovered information he had not even known, the primary source of protein for "Soy-Lint".  Finally, the cost of building the factories had far exceeded expectations and he had been forced to nudge taxes to 68%.  All of these things had made his first 100 days a dismal failure.  All living things were developing growths and lesions from the new pollution from the Factories, and riots were breaking out across the country from the Gulf of Mexico to the Arctic Ocean.  Feeling frustrated, defeated, embarrassed, and desperate, he considered his choices and remembered a piece of a briefing he had attended while eating lunch: "...Tarrasque....known to eat...blah, blah, blah, buildings..." Suddenly filled with inspiration, he turned to the only option available to save the world from the looming disaster of Factory Pollution: He broke the glass cover and pressed the Big Red Button, releasing the Tarrasque.

Spoiler for Submission 11 "The Tarrasque in Tokyo":
It was 2XXX, and Tokyo was as busy as ever. They have just finished repairing the damages from the latest attack from a giant monster. General Hachimitsu Mamoru, a battle-hardened veteran and leader of the Beastly Defense Corps, was supervising the reconstruction program as they finished rebuilding the final apartment complex. He smiled, knowing that Japan was safe for the time being. Suddenly, the ground shook for a couple of seconds. The fabled Tarrasque had awoken from its slumber and started devouring everything in sight. Hachimitsu, being understandably exasperated, approached the sign saying "This City Has Worked 14 Days Without Attacks From Monsters" and erased the 14; in its place, he wrote the number zero.
Back at the BDC Headquarters, everyone was arguing over how they should deal with the new attacker.
"There's another behemoth running loose in Tokyo," Hachimitsu begun, "we need to stop it before it leaves the city in ruins!"
"Most of the troops are out fighting the Tarrasque and are being devoured whole as we speak," Lieutenant Nakamura Kanjiro noted.
"And the remaining troops are currently evacuating the citizens," Umezawa Emiho, who was in charge of the logistics, added.
Hachimitsu turned to Ikeda Koichi, the head engineer. "Ikeda, how's Project G**DAM coming along?" he asked.
"W-We haven't even begun designing the interface!" he replied, nervously.
"There's always the option of nuking it." Nakamura suggested.
"And make Tokyo into the third Hiroshima? Great idea." Umezawa retorted.
"Yeah, like you're one to talk. Remind me how effective your giant mousetrap was!"
"CAN WE FOCUS?!" Hachimitsu yelled, preventing any tensions from increasing.
Things were looking bleak. It seemed like there was no way to stop this beast, but then suddenly the newest member of the Corps, Kitamura Nozomi, came up with an idea.
"How about we try reasoning with it?"
It was extremely stupid, but since they had no other options they drew straws. Nakamura got the short end; he sighed, grabbed the nearest megaphone, downed a bottle of sake, and went outside. It was a pretty long walk, but he eventually found where the Tarrasque was. He pointed the megaphone at the beast and yelled, "HEY, TERRY!"
Surprisingly, the monster responded and gave him eye contact...or the closest thing to it.
Nakamura continued, "Why don't you go pick on another superpower? I mean, there are other countries besides Japan!"
"Terry" paused, as if it could understand what Nakamura was saying.
"There's a place called 'China' in that general direction. Why don't you go and rampage there?" he asked, pointing where China was.
The Tarrasque stood there for a little while longer, and started wandering off in the direction of China. Of course it had a couple of snacks along the way, including more of Japan and a bit of South Korea, but it eventually left Tokyo to destroy China. Nakamura stood there, wondering what was in the sake he just drank. The rest of the Corps, watching from a distance, approached Nakamura and were ready to congratulate him for his negotiation efforts
"See, I told you it would work!" Kitamira cheerfully exclaimed.
"Only barely," Nakamura mumbled.
"It's gonna take a while until the damages caused by the Tarrasque are fixed," Umezawa noted, "the attack a couple of weeks ago was expensive, and I think the attack from the Tarrasque is going to cost more than that. Also, 'Terry'? Really?"
"I took a vacation to New York recently," Nakamura explained.
"Putting that aside," Ikeda said, "was it really the best idea to send the Tarrasque over to China instead of, well, dispatching it?"
Hachimitsu replied, "I don't think it would have let us without a fight. Besides, they're communists."
The BDC went back to the headquarters, leaving Hachimitsu to watch over the damaged city. He smiled, knowing that Tokyo was safe once again.



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« Last Edit: November 03, 2018, 01:22:49 am by Aves »

Offline Aves

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Re: Writing Competition: Haphazard Heroics [VOTING] https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=66328.msg1280415#msg1280415
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2018, 02:11:14 am »
A little under a day remains, so get those vote in!
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Offline CleanOnionTopic starter

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Re: Writing Competition: Haphazard Heroics [VOTING] https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=66328.msg1280450#msg1280450
« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2018, 02:04:11 am »
Congratulations to InsignificantWeeaboo and The Tarrasque in Tokyo!

Your award icon will be diverted to China shortly!

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Re: Writing Competition: Haphazard Heroics [VOTING] https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=66328.msg1280485#msg1280485
« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2018, 10:46:04 am »
Eleven submissions - eleven votes. A bit sad for me. Kinda thought there will be more overall votes. Congratz to Weeaboo!
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blarg: Manuel,InsignificantWeeaboo