http://www.sbnation.com/2010/8/11/1616806/2010-college-football-season-thoughts-jacory-harrisHighlights for me:
99. The Thursday Night games on ESPN this year are more than the usual paltry hors d'oeuvres for the weekend: Auburn/Miss State, Miami at Pitt, Texas A&M at Oklahoma State, South Florida at West Virginia...okay, these are the usual hors d'oeuvres. We're all just very hungry for football, and anything sounds like fillet mignon at this point.
95. Les Miles will microwave popcorn in his office. The instructions will say two and a half minutes. Les Miles will rely on his gut to tell him when it's done.
94. Les Miles is going to be eating some burnt popcorn, and will blame Jordan Jefferson while he does it.
89. One nasty thing, however: the Huskers aren't going to pick up a single towel in an away locker room all season, and they might take the cleaning supplies, because it's not like they're ever coming back. Don't lie. You'd do it, too.
85. The NCAA regrets to inform you that everyone on your football team is ineligible due to agent contact. Yes, your team. All of them.
84. All of this comes from contact with one agent. He's
really good. You might want his number.
82. Ohio State coach Jim Tressel says you may see Ohio State throw the ball more this season.
81. Ohio State threw the ball 13 times in a single game
twice last year.
68. Jeremiah Masoli (
http://www.sbnation.com/ncaa-football/players/37380/Jeremiah_Masoli) will taste many different grasses of the SEC this year, but his favorite will be the delicious fescue of Arkansas' Frank Broyles field. Herbaceous, smooth, and with just a hint of mint, it really is the perfect complement to diet of high impact hits and hopeless scrambles. His second favorite? LSU, if only for the hint of bourbon in every mouthful.
67. None of this will be Masoli's fault, because at Oregon he had two things he will not have at Ole Miss: an offensive line and an offensive coaching staff.
65. Irrational record prediction one: USC is on the first year of probation and a bowl ban, indicating a 95.8727% possibility they will go undefeated because teams on probation with a bowl ban
love to go undefeated.
56. If Colorado and Maryland played, would every spectator's watch run a few seconds slower after watching it? Does this have unique implications for the Special Theory of Relativity? And if so, do I have to watch it? Because I really, really don't want to watch it.
55. On the other hand, if you want to experience Jamarcus Russell Drank-o-Vision without the cough syrup nausea, this would be the way to do it.
54. THIS IS MY WAY OF SAYING THEY'RE AMAZINGLY SLOW GET IT HUH?
52. UConn will beat Michigan at home, starting a merry toboggan ride to hell for the Wolverines.
51. Michigan will recover and win eight games despite fielding a secondary made up of stuntmen constantly on fire and allowing receivers to run unimpeded behind them.
(Okay, I didn't like number 51/52, 52 especially, but they're funny)
47. Dion Lewis (
http://www.sbnation.com/ncaa-football/players/75523/Dion_Lewis) will have a spectacular season derailed when, after his 52nd carry in week six his right leg flies off and leaves him hopping one-legged toward the endzone against Syracuse.
46. Because this is Syracuse, Lewis will still stand a good chance of scoring.
35. In the spirit of 2010 current events, 10,000 Buckeye fans will take their talents to South Beach never to return. LEBRON JAMES JOKE QUOTA MET. (They will end up living in North Broward County.)
34. Miami QB Jacory Harris (
http://www.sbnation.com/ncaa-football/players/36658/Jacory_Harris) will have a spectacular season provided he can overcome his inner Rex Grossman, since Harris does tend to have a "F--- it, I'm going deep" streak in him.
24. 6' 7" Ryan Mallett (
http://www.sbnation.com/ncaa-football/players/6810/Ryan_Mallett), in an effort to improve Arkansas' sagging defense, plays middle linebacker on pass plays by waggling his arms in the middle of the field to knock down passes.
23. This will prove to be Arkansas' best pass defense play all year.
22. Joe Schad will report [story X].
21. Joe Schad will report [story Y].
20. Joe Schad will report that Joe Schad is reporting that [story X] is [story Y].
19. Joe Schad will vanish into a quantum singularity created by his own multiple personas reporting 15 conflicting stories simultaneously.
15. Missouri will, at the end of the season, show up at the Big Ten's winter meetings and just see if anyone notices. Then, things will get awwwwwkward.
11. Texas A&M will again be unexpectedly better than you might think. Once you notice this, however, they will go on an epic three game losing streak just to keep you guessing.
