I'm not a Democrat. I'm not a Republican, either. In fact, I was just talking with my wife about starting a political movement called "More Dicks".
See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!
My idea is this: Republicans are assholes. Democrats are pussies. (See where this is going?) We need dicks. Dicks to fuck the pussies AND the assholes. A political movement that isn't "lefter than X" or "righter than Y", but is based on a few basic principles:
1
) Separation of business and state. Stricter than that of church and state. If you have ever worked for any industry, you cannot be a part of any governmental body that relates to that industry. At all. Ever. If you worked for McDonalds for 2 months in high school, you can't ever be in the FDA. Period. End of story. Fuck Republicans.
2) The size of government doesn't matter. The world has functional governments that are tiny, and functional governments that are huge. What matters is how EFFICIENT government is. The instant the bureaucracy starts expanding to meet the needs of the expanding bureaucracy, you've gone too far. I don't care if the government employs half the country as long as they can buy a goddamn toilet seat for $12.50 like everyone else does. Fuck Democrats.
3) No one donates a goddamn thing to any political campaign anywhere except through a completely Internet-based and utterly anonymous system, and telling a politican you donated to him is punishable by death. Similarly, a politican concealing that someone told him about a donation is punishable by death. Fuck 'special interests'.
4) Corporations want to be people? Fine -- let them go to jail for their crimes. Any time a corporation is found guilty of anything, their liscense to do business in the United States is suspended for the duration of their "jail term". If they're caught doing business without a license, they're fined 100x the amount of gross profit they made from the business they did without a license. Fuck corporations.
5) One term per politician. I don't care how long it is, but there is no longer any such thing as 're-election'. Once you've held an office, you cannot ever hold a lower-ranking office. You can still work your way up the ladder, but once you're done, you're done. Fuck career politicians.
6) Unless there's an economic emergency, the government is REQUIRED to have a budget surplus. I don't care how important the War on Whatever is to you; if it's not "oh shit, the country is teetering on the brink of economic collapse!", you MUST have a surplus of at least $1,000,000 every year, and that's after you pay at least $500,000,000 toward the debt. No exceptions. Fuck irresponsible assholes who want to spend money they don't have.
7) You cannot submit an amendment to a bill in Congress that adds anything unrelated to the bill as it stands. If you want that twelve-million-dollar new highway, start an appropriations bill for it. No more attaching that shit to bills originally designed to improve health care for disabled veterans. Fuck pork-barrel pussys who can't just stand up and tell you what they want.
And that's that: the Seven Pillars of Doing Dick. The honest, total summation of all of my political beliefs. If you got a problem with those, please, tell me! I'd love to get an outside perspective on them.
