Happiness or Stability?

[Naesala]

Spoiler for Hidden:

Dear Naesala,
 I don't think I am the wisest person in the world (actually, I think I am rather stupid), however I should suggest the following:

1) Don't kill yourself; If you're a religious person, and I think you are (correct me if I am wrong) then you probably already have an education about how suicide is considered foolishness or even a 'sin'. I agree with the church's point of view here; if you kill yourself now, you prevent him from making all these awesome deeds you are going to do in the future. I have tried to kill myself once (it was in the beginning of the financial crisis in Greece and the media made it look like the Apocalypse, plus I was really melancholic back then), however I completely failed. I actually didn't even manage to perform the beginning of it. After thinking it clearly, if God was the one who prevented me that day, I can't thank Him enough. I did things and some awesome good deeds and other stuff which I wouldn't have done if died that day, despite the economic crisis, not even playing ETG here with you guys . So, seriously, never try to kill yourself. It just doesn't worth it.

2) I have put doing the right thing and helping my fellow people as the greatest values in my life (though I can't always be successful on that ). Because of this, I don't put wealth above all, but good deeds, though a good job would give me more chances for charity via donating money. So, I advice you to do the same in general; do what you feel is the best thing to do.
 However, if you planning in becoming a father, you have to do your best to aquire at least a decent job in order to financially support your family. Helping an already living human to survive via charity or morale support is one thing, but bringing a new child into this cruel world without being able to feed it is great irresponsibility; it is almost a crime.

 I suppose you wish to have your own family. So, you need good education and a good job, so stay for college if able. However, I don't know how things in USA work, so I may be totally wrong here.
 Hope I was helpful and not just annoying...

Thanks for the advice. I am somewhat religious; I'm a nondenominational christian who doesn't go to church and received most of my religious knowledge through my mom and some self research in my early teens. A fear of hell has helped prevent past attempts. But the thing is it doesn't matter how many times I hear "Don't do it, it's not worth it" it won't puncture through when I'm more emotional than logical, and any time I'm contemplating suicide that is the case.

Again, I won't bring a child into this world if i can't at bar minimum support it financially. As for emotionally, as kev has suggested... I don't know. It's something I can try, but I'm not sure I'll ever be completely stable. Thanks to kev as well.

An offshoot of "be a father" that may influence things more or less (more problems, yay). I would rather be a "mother". I have recently been going through a gender identity crisis as well, which is also being discussed in therapy. Right now we're unsure if I'm gender fluid, gender queer and only appearing gender fluid because I don't have the resources to change more, or transexual and to afraid to admit it hence gender queer.

[OldTrees]

2. I do have a highschool academic honors diploma, some job experience, and the capability of speaking a foreign language. I also have a family friend who works in a hospitol and another who is an eye doctor both have told me they sometimes need translators. I could potentially get a better than minimum wage job. No guarentee, but a possibility.

Since you have a long term goal (being a parent) I would suggest at least a minimal level of stability.

What would qualify as a minimum level? Does my second point to Xeno seem sufficient? College education? College education and a job? More/less?

Thank you a lot guys. It means quite a bit to me.

Since your partner is going to be an artist, I would suggest being qualified enough to easily secure a job that can support the entire family during rough patches without much dipping into savings. One of your options has a minimum of minimum wage. (Possibility of more but not reliably) It is hard to support a family on minimum wage so I would recommend a more financially secure path. Being a teacher sounds like it would be secure enough to support the family during rough patches.

[teffy]

Does your girlfriend have an opinion ? What are her future plans ? How do these plans match with yours ?

[Naesala]

Does your girlfriend have an opinion ? What are her future plans ? How do these plans match with yours ?

She is not sure whether she thinks I should go with the homemaker or teacher route. Outside of her job the only thing she wants to do is occasionally travel (once every 3-4 years perhaps for a week). I'm willing to travel though I do not particularly like it, though that is more an aversion to flight than new cultures.

Spoiler for Hidden:

2. I do have a highschool academic honors diploma, some job experience, and the capability of speaking a foreign language. I also have a family friend who works in a hospitol and another who is an eye doctor both have told me they sometimes need translators. I could potentially get a better than minimum wage job. No guarentee, but a possibility.

Since you have a long term goal (being a parent) I would suggest at least a minimal level of stability.

What would qualify as a minimum level? Does my second point to Xeno seem sufficient? College education? College education and a job? More/less?

Thank you a lot guys. It means quite a bit to me.

Since your partner is going to be an artist, I would suggest being qualified enough to easily secure a job that can support the entire family during rough patches without much dipping into savings. One of your options has a minimum of minimum wage. (Possibility of more but not reliably) It is hard to support a family on minimum wage so I would recommend a more financially secure path. Being a teacher sounds like it would be secure enough to support the family during rough patches.

Thanks for the input, OT. Seems like the general advice here is to continue through college.

[ddevans96]

I'm definitely not one to talk about life and future plans, but I can talk about suicide.

Short version: Don't.

Long version: Suicide is very difficult to consider. Not only do you not get to experience life past that point, but anyone in your life that cares about you, even remotely, would be affected strongly. It can have incredible ramifications.

I've had a noose fail after nearly an hour and bleach make me horribly sick for a week, but neither worked. I came to conclude that whatever controls the world must have wanted me to remain alive for one reason or another. Very few people know the extent of the trauma those failed attempts have left me with. But if I did succeed? It would have been trauma for everyone else in my life, and even in middle school, when these happened to me, you talk with hundreds of people every week.

Even at my most emotional, just after those attempts, I could think of just as many reasons to struggle on through life than to stop it there. I'd never see my nephew start school, I'd never see my sister after she moved, I'd never date...

If the worst were to happen, and you did become separated from your girlfriend, find a family member or friend you're close to. They will give you the strength and the reasoning to bypass your emotions when you can't. But more importantly, look ahead with the deep hope that it won't happen. Also, keep a suicide hotline in your phone, in case you ever become mortally worried about your sanity.

And be careful :3

[willng3]

I had a near-death experience today that caused this idea to race through my mind after it was apparent that I was safe and well, so I figured I'd go ahead and throw in my bit here just to get it off my chest more.

Spoiler for Details:

Basically, while driving, I had attempted to make a left turn across a street under the false assumption that it was safe for me to do so.  Moments before the collision I had made the wise decision (considering the danger I was in) to slam on the brakes after my car had jumped out into the road.  I believe this ultimately saved my life as the incoming car slammed into my vehicle directly in front of the tire on my side when it would have most likely struck the driver's side door at ~45mph had I not applied the brakes.

After assessing that I wasn't in any excruciating pain I managed to step out of my car and immediately ran to the other person's vehicle to make sure they were still...well, alive.  Fortunately they appeared to be more panic-stricken than in terrible pain, though I'm still unsure as to the extent of their injuries at this time.

Once I had determined that neither of us were in danger of dying and that the police had been contacted, it was obvious that I needed to let both my girlfriend and her parents (whose house was less than 2 minutes away and that we are staying at for the weekend) know what had happened.

I decided to contact her father first since I was worried that my GF might hear that I was involved in a car accident and automatically start assuming the worst despite me reassuring her that I was fine.  I also asked him to pass along this information for me to her since I knew that he was fully aware of the precautions he needed to take to prevent her from having some kind of panic attack.  And as I waited for them to come meet me there it was then that I became very appreciative that 1) I had insisted my GF not come along with me at that time and 2) That any thoughts or possibilities of me being fatally injured would not become a reality, as the thought of my GF's reaction when her worst fears had come true were difficult for me to bear.  This is where this topic's relevance really begins to come into effect.

Upon arriving at the scene and exiting her father's truck, my GF FLEW across the road to assure herself that I was fine.  During this time I don't believe she even cast a single glance at my (which may as well be our) car which was damaged beyond what I'm willing to pay to fix it.  Upon assuring her that nothing was broken or seriously hurting, she locked me into a tight embrace which lasted for at least a good 15-20 minutes.  It wasn't until she stopped that she even bothered to look at the damage done to the car.

That story continues for quite a bit, but that last series of events points to what I genuinely feel about this subject.  I wouldn't have been surprised to have my GF make a bigger deal about my safety than the car, but the way events transpired clearly indicates to me that her reaction was an expression along the lines of, "I'm so happy that YOU are safe."  So in other words, if you were to ask my GF if she preferred a life of happiness or stability then I can guarantee that she would respond with, "Happiness, because there's no amount of money in this world that could ever replace you."
And now from a different perspective...

Spoiler for My perspective, growing up:

Growing up, my father was always very hard-working and involved in his work.  Too involved, I should say.  I can clearly remember my father and mother constantly fighting about the amount of time that he spent at work and that my mother felt he didn't care about anyone but himself.  To my father, making enough money to support the family and keep us happy was the most important goal in his life.  However, my mother appreciated the time spent with both him and the rest of us far more valuable than anything money could buy, and his work constantly interfered with this when least expected.  Eventually all of the fighting just made my father tired of marriage and there came a certain point where he began to ignore the desire to make us happy as a result of his efforts at work; he just wanted to work even if he didn't enjoy doing it.  My father began to drink excessively and he became practically detached from the rest of us; the only time that he seemed genuinely happy was when he was drinking at family get-together's.  The times that my mother wanted to reprimand him for how he was living would typically just result in arguments where my father would become irate and very verbally abusive; there were also rare occasions of physical abuse.

Eventually I decided that I was old enough where I could intervene, as I absolutely hated seeing my mother in this kind of state.  I questioned why she continued to remain with such a horrible man, and she informed me that even though she agreed that divorce or separation would likely make her much happier, she felt like her desire to follow Christ compelled her to remain in this marriage in the hopes that things would improve.  Spoilers: They never did.

Things didn't improve between my father and mother even after she was diagnosed with cancer and was told to expect the worst.  He continued to show no remorse even after she passed away.  As my dislike of him transformed into hatred, I vowed that I would never allow myself to become anything like him.  I suppose this explains my opposition to doing things solely for the purpose of stability.

What I've taken away from all of this is that a relationship needs to be founded upon a strong bond of love in order for happiness to exist between both partners.  If I'm married to someone that remains my spouse just because of the amount of income I'm bringing in then that likely means they'd end up becoming very unhappy if that source of income starts to go downhill.  In this way, I would say they were married to my money and not myself.

Regardless of which decision anyone makes on this topic, the most important thing to remember here is that it's not about making you happy or making your significant other happy, it's about making the both of you happy together.  If you find yourself taking on a heavy workload that leaves your SO feeling as if you don't give them the attention they need, then that's likely going to cause a strain on your relationship.  If you shower your SO with gifts to make them happy, but you don't really get the same type of feeling in return, then there may be a void in your heart that's not getting filled by your relationship.  It's fine to let the little things go from time to time, but when it comes to life-changing decisions then you need to make sure that both of your hearts are in it or else one of you may be enduring a life of misery as a consequence.

Ideally you should try to maximize happiness while maintaining the minimal amount of income needed to keep yourselves happy, or at least that's what I intend to aim for.  Sometimes life throws problems at you that you just don't expect, and it's good to have some money available to make those problems go away.  The day that I begin to wake up thinking that it's time to begin the same routine all over again is a sign that there's a problem with something somewhere in my life.  Because after today's events I would like to enjoy the feeling of being able to wake up next to the person who means more than the world to me for as long as possible, even if it feels as if the entire world is against me the entire time.

[Higurashi]

I'm glad you're safe too :>

I'll make this short, because I'm at work.
I come from a past where I eventually settled down in stability. It's pretty hard not to in Sweden, after some time. In truth it made me.. numb. Life was too easy; there was no challenge or true mental and emotional stimulation. A process begun a few years ago where I was slowly being awoken from this state by individuals who moved me in a profound way. It took my soulmate to entirely bring me out of it with her complete and spotless kind of love, and I moved to China to be with her without hesitation.

Right now I don't have any real stability or money for that matter, but for the first time in my life I know what happiness is like. Some day soon I'm going to grasp it properly by building a home for me and her.

Choose happiness. A true home is the only way your soul will eventually find rest. I finally know this is true for me, at least.

[Naesala]

Thanks ddevans, willing, and Higs. ^_^ Every bit of input helps (also good to here you're alright willing at that you're happier Higs).