Happiness or Stability?

[Naesala]

Since I've been having this internal debate for a couple months now i figured I'd get you alls opinions. What is the better choice: doing something that makes you happy but can barely, if at all, support you financially or doing something you dislike or are bored by in order to have financial security?

I'd go into more detail about my specific scenario but I figure asking this way will keep it more open for general discussion rather than make this a "Help me" thread.

Spoiler for My specific situation:

What I want to be, which would make me happier than anything, is to be a homemaker and a parent. I'm on track in college to be a Spanish education major, so I could be a teacher about two years from now assuming I don't have any muck ups in my schedule. I'm in college for teaching only because I was expected to go to college and I would be through college fastest using this track. I'm a 21st century scholar so my tuition has been covered, but I've still taken out loans for living and dining that i need to pay back. I can and would be willing to work a minimum wage job to pay part of this off. The girl I'm planning to marry is an Art major, most likely going into graphic design. So I'm trying to decide if I should stay in college, become a teacher, and work a job thats just to pay the bills and be less happy, or drop out of college, work a minimum wage job for a little while to pay off some debt, and then be a housemaker and be very happy.

If anyone would like further elaboration just ask.

[OldTrees]

There is not an unconditional answer.

At one side of this chart (not an axis) is the happy but fatal lifestyle. It is very enjoyable but will not support the long term.
At another side is the unhappy immortal. This lifestyle will survive as long as possible and accumulate a lot of minute happiness over the duration.
To some these extremes may seem tragic. To others they might not.

[Xenocidius]

The way I see it is that, ultimately, everyone should strive for happiness. This is the ultimate objective in life. However, the question is whether we should do something that makes us happy now but which may be detrimental in the future.

Well, I believe the best decision is one that results in the highest average expected level of happiness across the rest of your life. Of course, unless you're a statistical and predictive genius, this can be hard to determine precisely. So, we apply the human gift of 'fuzzy logic' and think in more abstract terms:

• How happy will this make me now, and for how long?
• What positive things could this lead to; how happy will these make me, for how long, and how likely are they?
• What negative things could this lead to; how unhappy will these make me, for how long, and how likely are they?

Still, these can be difficult to determine. So, often the best idea is to get others' opinions regarding your specific circumstances. The layman might ask this general question on a public forum, receive a satisfactory answer, and act on it, deciding "Yes, I think I will try some ice". Had he shared his specific circumstances, however, he would have been told, "Don't do that, you moron".

So, that was a small sample of philosophical musing from me. Basically, I recommend sharing more specific details.

[kev]

Basically, I recommend sharing more specific details.

+1.  It's easy for people to say "do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life" but it'll be more useful to you to have people discuss your situation than it would be to read a fortune cookie.  Plus, we love hearing about the lives of community members.

Fwiw I have this internal debate fairly frequently despite the fact I've already made my choice.  I had some friends who took jobs out of college as investment bankers and worked 80 hour weeks.  In a way they sort of gave up their 20s to be better off financially through the rest of their lives.  They found pride in their work and the money they made and are happy.  I went the other way, took a less stressful job working fewer hours, spent more time with friends and family but have less money, a smaller house, and eat generic brand cereal.  And I’m happy, too.

Here’s what’s interesting about such points in your life: to Xeno’s point above, we all try to maximize long-term happiness during decision making.  To that end if you view it in light of the information you have when you make the decision (i.e. you’re not results-oriented), it’s impossible for you to make the wrong choice.

Humans process all of this quickly and naturally.  A lot of the time when I spend a bunch of time on a decision I find that I made the decision early on and the time spent was to justify/rationalize/get comfy with it.

[Naesala]

Added my personal situation

[Xenocidius]

Judging from your personal situation, things could go very wrong indeed.

• Can your partner actually financially support both of you (and possibly a baby)? You say she's going into graphic design, which I'm not sure is all that secure or well-paying a job.
• Can you support your partner while she's pregnant, given that, having no qualification, you'd have to work in some crappy minimum wage job for 6+ months?
• How long do you really expect your relationship to last? Forever? How long have you been dating? If you end up breaking up, it sounds like you'd be not only an emotional wreck, but a financial one too. Can you really risk that? I know that young couples head over heels for each other have a hard time fully accepting the possibility, even probability, of eventual break-up, but this is very important to consider.

That's just my take on it. If you'd like to counter some of these points with extra information, go ahead, but so far I'd be inclined towards the stability option.

[OldTrees]

Since you have a long term goal (being a parent) I would suggest at least a minimal level of stability.

[Naesala]

Judging from your personal situation, things could go very wrong indeed.

• Can your partner actually financially support both of you (and possibly a baby)? You say she's going into graphic design, which I'm not sure is all that secure or well-paying a job.
• Can you support your partner while she's pregnant, given that, having no qualification, you'd have to work in some crappy minimum wage job for 6+ months?
• How long do you really expect your relationship to last? Forever? How long have you been dating? If you end up breaking up, it sounds like you'd be not only an emotional wreck, but a financial one too. Can you really risk that? I know that young couples head over heels for each other have a hard time fully accepting the possibility, even probability, of eventual break-up, but this is very important to consider.

That's just my take on it. If you'd like to counter some of these points with extra information, go ahead, but so far I'd be inclined towards the stability option.

1. A baby would not be coming until a year or two after graduation, at the earliest as she has requested. How well it pays can vary a lot, but she could potentially make a pretty good amount of money (though more likely just a decent amount). I agree that it can be insecure however, as the market is very competitive.
2. I do have a highschool academic honors diploma, some job experience, and the capability of speaking a foreign language. I also have a family friend who works in a hospitol and another who is an eye doctor both have told me they sometimes need translators. I could potentially get a better than minimum wage job. No guarentee, but a possibility.
3. Forever. We've been dating nearly two years. I have plans to propose on our 2-year anniversary (the 14th). On the subject of what happens if we break up...this may be morbid, but I would be dead within a week, maybe a month. I already have extreme emotional instability with suicidal thoughts and chronic depression. Unless she broke up with me and immediately took me to the hosptol I would not be safe.

Since you have a long term goal (being a parent) I would suggest at least a minimal level of stability.

What would qualify as a minimum level? Does my second point to Xeno seem sufficient? College education? College education and a job? More/less?

Thank you a lot guys. It means quite a bit to me.

[Xenocidius]

Well, this has taken a turn for the worse ...

Firstly, you may be willing to risk your own happiness on her job security or lack thereof, but are you really willing to risk bringing a child into a world of long, enduring hardship, even poverty? A world where your child will have to grow up in a small house in substandard living conditions and go to public schools for the entirety of their education? Far too many people make the mistake of having a child when they can't afford it. Don't be one of these people.

Secondly, you really need to get help with your mental health. Have you told her that your life depends on your relationship? (There is no right answer to this question. Whether or not you've told her, it's unfair on your girlfriend.) You may have gotten help already and given up because it wasn't working; if this is so, find a different therapist. They don't all work for everybody.

Given all that, how would you cope if you separated after having the baby? Committing suicide then would naturally have terrible consequences on the child, so you'd be, quite frankly, incomprehensibly irresponsible to have the baby before sorting your issues out.

So, my new recommendation list:

• Get help. Not working? Get more help.
• Finishing college is a really good idea.
• Don't trust strangers on the Internet! Talk to your friends in real life and get their advice.

I won't say good luck, because that contradicts my whole argument. Good choices, more like. Don't be a servant to the universe's RNG.

All the very best.

[Naesala]

We won't have a kid if we aren't stable enough to have a kid. We're smart enough not to do that, I promise. (Also slightly off topic, but I had nothing but public education and, as far as intelligence in school work goes, I'm fine ).

She knows. And I know it's unfair. Unfortunately that feeds a cycle of self loathing->depression->becoming more dependent. And I feel horrible that I don't yet know how to break this cycle.

Again, no baby before stability. Though I don't know what I would do if she had a baby with me and then left me, especially if I was given custody.

As far as getting help, Im seeing a therapist again for the first time in 2 years. I don't know if I'm making progress, I'll probably end up needing a new one. As for "don't trust strangers, talk with your real life friends" i have maybe 4 people in real life I consider my friends, one of which has recently let me know he does not feel able or qualified to talk about these kind of things and the other is not capable of this level of seriousness. I do talk with the other two a lot, but, well, i've always had more friends online, and have always valued the opinions of those I meet online who I think of as smart. I consider many people online my friends almost to the same extent as the people I know in real life.

I will point out that I know suicide is dumb, irresponsible, illogical, selfish, and all these other things. When I'm cool minded (like now) i can step back and look at these things logically. But as soon as I get the least bit depressed or mad at myself I get worked up and horrible and I rationalize it to myself. I can't resist it. I know it's unfair to my girlfriend, but she's the only motivation I have to do much of anything and the only thing that keeps me from making a horrible mistake.

[kev]

I can't add much over Xeno's last point.  Whether or not to drop out of college is a small blip compared to the other bomb you dropped, and I'm really happy to hear you're seeking help.

As for the original question, I'd recommend you finish college.  You can always get a minimum wage job after college, but you probably won't be able to drop out and then get your scholarship back.  I can't emphasize enough how much a college degree is worth in today's world.  Getting that piece of paper may seem trivial to you now, but it will give you a huge number of options years from now, options you can't even imagine today.

You're going to ignore this last bit of advice, but I'd also recommend you hold off on having kids until you're stable both emotionally and financially.  It sounds like you want to be a good parent more than you want to be a parent, and you need both types of stability to achieve that goal.

Best wishes

[ARTHANASIOS]

Dear Naesala,
 I don't think I am the wisest person in the world (actually, I think I am rather stupid), however I should suggest the following:

1) Don't kill yourself; If you're a religious person, and I think you are (correct me if I am wrong) then you probably already have an education about how suicide is considered foolishness or even a 'sin'. I agree with the church's point of view here; if you kill yourself now, you prevent him from making all these awesome deeds you are going to do in the future. I have tried to kill myself once (it was in the beginning of the financial crisis in Greece and the media made it look like the Apocalypse, plus I was really melancholic back then), however I completely failed. I actually didn't even manage to perform the beginning of it. After thinking it clearly, if God was the one who prevented me that day, I can't thank Him enough. I did things and some awesome good deeds and other stuff which I wouldn't have done if died that day, despite the economic crisis, not even playing ETG here with you guys . So, seriously, never try to kill yourself. It just doesn't worth it.

2) I have put doing the right thing and helping my fellow people as the greatest values in my life (though I can't always be successful on that ). Because of this, I don't put wealth above all, but good deeds, though a good job would give me more chances for charity via donating money. So, I advice you to do the same in general; do what you feel is the best thing to do.
 However, if you planning in becoming a father, you have to do your best to aquire at least a decent job in order to financially support your family. Helping an already living human to survive via charity or morale support is one thing, but bringing a new child into this cruel world without being able to feed it is great irresponsibility; it is almost a crime.

 I suppose you wish to have your own family. So, you need good education and a good job, so stay for college if able. However, I don't know how things in USA work, so I may be totally wrong here.
 Hope I was helpful and not just annoying...