Jokes

[Forfeit]

Not word for word (Or even close)

Two best friends are out hunting in the woods, they set up camp, then realize that not enough food is in the cooler.

Friend one says to the other; can you go get some more food from home, I'll stay here and wait.

Freind two say: Okay, but only if you promise not to touch the food.

Friend one: I swear on nmy life I won't.

So, friend two leaves, taking the only vehicle as his friend watchs him go.
Eventually, a day passes, then a week, starving, friend one opens the cooler.

That's when friend two jumps out from behind a tree shouting that he knew his friend lied, and now he won't get the food anymore.

[Celidion]

A redneck is sitting in a bar, then a large Asian man comes up and hits him, knocking him over. He says, " That was Karate Chop from China." The redneck gets up and a few hours later the same large Asian man comes up and hits him, he says, "The was a Judo Chop from Japan." The redneck brushes himself off and goes outside. A few hours later he comes back and hit the Asian man. He tells the guy sitting by, " When he wakes up, tell him that was a crow-bar from K-Mart."

[Delreich]

Seems to be a lot of bar jokes here. How about a pub one? I'm useless at telling them though, so I'll leave that to Bill Bailey:

[SnDance]

A man walked into a bar and said ouch.

~----------

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

~----------

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well,
bullet   

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
bullet   

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
bullet   

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
bullet   

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
bullet   

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. 

“Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!”

~----------

This ones from bash.org. If your sensitive, don't be the reading of it ^^. Highlight to read

InnerGoat: My wife has 2 problems. One is the fact that everytime she gets drunk she gets mean. She always looks for a fight, or a way to make me feel like s*** me. The other problem is that every morning after she gets drunk she has an explosive watery s***. One night she pushed me to far.
She was drunk of course and felling a little frisky so we we messing around and I tried to put it in the butt, she got mad and started talking s***, about how I'm no good and my dick is small, and that she probally wouldn't even feel it. so we never did have sex.
After she went to sleep I couldn't get the pain of her saying my dick was small out of my head. I wanted to embarrass her as much as she embarrased me. So I got an Idea
I went to my sons room and got his bag of marbles. i then went to my secret stash and got a bottle of lube. I could just image her reactions when you s*** marbles the next morning. I lubed them up one at a time and slowly pushed each one in. About a hundered in all. I got so excited I jerked off then giggled my self to sleep.
The next morning I woke up so excited I couldn't stand it. I made allot of noise getting dressed so she would wake up. She did and not 3 minutes later she said " oh my stomach. not again" and ran to the bathroom. I was in thee brushing my teeth. Usually she would tell me to leave but the urge was to intense. She sat down and let it rip.
She dam near had a heart attack from the noise. The marbles hitting the porcelin sounded like a machine gun going off in the bathroon. She turned white as a sheet and stood up. Still s***ting all over the place. Marbles rolling all over the floor as they bounced around. It took her a couple of minutes to put it all together. She said " What the ****" I just laughed and laughed as she packed her s*** and left.
I really do kind of miss her though.

[Forfeit]

Stolen from a song...

Why is 6 afraid of 7?



Because 7 8 9.

That reminds me, anyone every listen to the photosynithses song, or anything like it? Hilarious.

[Fortis]

Stolen from a song...

Why is 6 afraid of 7?



Because 7 8 9.