Pella is... (WARNING: Bad Language!)

[Bloodshadow]

I hardly come to these forums anymore nowadays, so I have no idea who you are. You likely don't know who I am either.

But I have major depression too. When I'm in a bad mood, I'm an asshole toward almost everyone around me, just like how you perceive yourself to be in a similar situation. I understand what it feels to interpret everything everyone says in the most negative manner possible. Like you, I get pissed when someone tells me "just suck it up and get over it"; if we could do that, then you and I wouldn't be having those problems in the first place. I understand how difficult it feels to even think about improving yourself and getting rid of your problems. Don't know about you, but I've been trudging through major depression for three years, possibly more, without any real improvements. I filter out most of the good things, and I remember most of the bad things for years. I hardly feel any positive emotions at all, I hardly get any enjoyment out of anything, and the constant fear and anxiety and hopelessness and anger often makes me wonder why I'm bothering with life at all.

No, I don't think I can help you. How can I help you when I can't even help myself? But while I may not know how you truly feel, I understand how depression feels like. If nothing else, remember that labels like "asshole" and "drama queen" are all subjective. Who are your peers to call you an asshole or a drama queen? Who the fuck do they think they are? What rights do they have to claim that they're objectively right and you're objectively wrong? Due to depression, I have trouble letting go of people's negative thoughts and comments. But depending on your personality, you may do better. If not... Then I can't help you when I can't help myself.

If all else fails, turn your anger and hatred into contempt. Those who dare to disagree with you or defy you are less than human, less than animals, less than absolute trash. Think of them as such, treat them as such. They don't deserve better.

Of course, you may choose to believe that this whole post is a lie and I'm just trying to troll you. If you do that, then it's rather unfortunate, but there isn't really anything I can do about it.

[Higurashi]

Anyone who says no one cares has yet to meet the right someone. People do care. Why else would they try to encourage or give advice to a complete stranger?

There's lots of shit in this world, but there are also lots of good people that have resolved to make things a little bit brighter. We can all get there too if that's what we'd like. If not, at least don't forget not everything's shit. Never is. Even when I was homeless, pennyless and careless as a kid, I still had things I valued. My life and the opportunities that inevitably brings, for instance. The possibility of love, for instance.

If you do think everything's shit, you're wrong. There's more out there than you've seen, and you have the power to go see it.

And hey, it's okay to be a downer some days. It's okay to talk about it with a friend. But yes, gather people in a group and someone's bound to be harsh, because it's a private matter. The OP in this thread is a good example of information we can all use. The following harsh responses and replies to those are unnecessary. Let's keep it at encouraging, eh? This man doesn't need counselling in a forum thread.

Pella, you're a great guy and you do not stand alone with troubles. You're a fine deckbuilder and you'll only get better at the meta and predicting. You're a complete newbie still, yet you've made it very far for one. Have some patience and you'll be able to reach the top no doubt. I know people.

[rob77dp]

Twin-separated-at-birth (figuratively, we think),

Count me among those that consider you "friend" and hopefully a positively influencing 'stranger' as Higs mentions, above.

You rock, Pella.  /thatisall


--Rob

[treebeard xiii]

I'm sure I don't need to say this but I am going to anyway, during budo I got to know you and came to consider you as a friend and yes I can't truly say I know how it must feel to think the world is against you but in all fairness you can give yourself some credit , the fact that you openly admit to the problem and are taking steps to cope as best you can is deserving credit alone whether your telling the truth or not is irrelevent people will believe what they want to believe and I personally believe you do suffer from depression, you are a nice guy when the depression isn't at a peak and you are a decent deckbuilder and a better pvper than I whether you believe this or not is up to you but I don't lie when it comes to people I consider friends, you claim your success in budo was due to having more upps and the help from your team but in case you didn't realise you got through the first round whereas I could not maybe the upps and advice helped but I remember you were able to predict your opponent's deck exactly when it mattered and won  trait I am yet to acquire. My final wrd is if you really want someone to talk I will listen I'm very good at listening and not judging and after I will try and help the best I can.

[artimies7]

Pella, I don't know many things for sure, but take heart nonetheless. I'm rooting for you.

[KSmash]

Newb here. Just wanted to say that from what I've seen, you are a respected and appreciated member of the community. So just take any labels such as "drama queen" or "arsehole" as someone blowing off steam, yeah?

[Pella]

from what I've seen, you are a respected and appreciated member of the community

I have no idea what you've seen.  I have not drawn the same conclusion.  One of us is wrong.

[Higurashi]

You'll find a hundredfold on KSmash's side. What little flak you've gotten is miniscule in amount compared to most. On the flip side you've gotten a lot of appreciation, and while that dimishes as one becomes Staff, it's still there.

[Pella]

Even if said appreciation is present (my jury are out on this), what is its value?

[rob77dp]

Even if said appreciation is present (my jury are out on this), what is its value?

I find that generally it holds whatever value you assign it - if being appreciated (even if somewhat un-stated or silently done) is something you like or desire, then allow it to sink in and be such. 

[Pella]

if being appreciated is something you like or desire

Yeah, well, it used to be.  Last week, my desire for appreciation ended up destroying the ONLY opportunity I will ever have to achieve any of the foolish dreams I had as a child.  Most people never get to achieve those dreams.  Of those remaining, most never get an opportunity.  Of those remaining--oh wait, I'm in that group now.  Those of us remaining get to live out our lives devoid of meaning or purpose.  On occasion, we are reminded of what might have been--moments that make us wish we had never been born.

So that's what I'm down to now.  A meaningless, purposeless existence, that occasionally makes me feel as though meaninglessness and purposelessness are somehow too high a goal for which to strive.

[rob77dp]

if being appreciated is something you like or desire

Yeah, well, it used to be.  Last week, my desire for appreciation ended up destroying the ONLY opportunity I will ever have to achieve any of the foolish dreams I had as a child.  Most people never get to achieve those dreams.  Of those remaining, most never get an opportunity.  Of those remaining--oh wait, I'm in that group now.  Those of us remaining get to live out our lives devoid of meaning or purpose.  On occasion, we are reminded of what might have been--moments that make us wish we had never been born.

So that's what I'm down to now.  A meaningless, purposeless existence, that occasionally makes me feel as though meaninglessness and purposelessness are somehow too high a goal for which to strive.

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