Pella is... (WARNING: Bad Language!)

[Pella]

Pella is an arsehole.  That's all.

I suffer from major depression.  Sometimes I take antidepressants for it.  Lately, I haven't.  When I don't, I'm an arsehole, and I don't blame anyone for not wanting to associate with me.

Yesterday, I had a conversation in the chat room that probably left TheAccuso saying, "Boy, that guy's a dick."  And s/he's right.  I am.

Yes, I beat up on myself constantly about my perceived lack of proper gaming skills.  I lost a (not so) close match against Calindu today, and it didn't help my depression one goddamn bit, I'll tell ya that.  I don't know what Spielkind was trying to say to me in the Budokan thread.  Something about maybe trying to help me be a better deckbuilder.  Well, thank you for the offer.  Others have given me advice, and it just hasn't taken.  I'm afraid I'm always going to suck as a deckbuilder, and that's that.

treebeard is adamant that I'm a good PvP'er, and AnnaMall and ddevans said similar stuff.  Well, thanks for your opinions.
I got this far in Budokan because I had a HUGE upped-card advantage in an element that thrives on upped cards.  That was much more important than any skills of deckbuilding or prediction--that's for sure.  I won three duels against Calindu today because I got lucky or he got unlucky.  The whole point of a best-of-7 is to negate RNG so the best player comes out on top.  All four of the duels he won, he smoked me.  I think that proves without a doubt who's the better player.

Look, everyone, I'm not trying to be a dick.  I'd rather be a nice guy.  I even saw Marsu say yesterday, "Pella can be a bit of a drama queen sometimes, but he's a good guy all in all."  (You didn't know I saw that, did you?)  Well, the "drama queen" is the depression.  As for the "good guy", I'll let you make up your own mind.  I still think I'm a dick.

[Nepycros]

Pella is also human. As good or bad as that might be, that means there's no reason to jump the gun and start waving around insults, either for ourselves or for others. My depression also sucks, I would think most cases have it rough, and with the number only increasing, we'll have to deal with that at our own pace. I'm on meds because that's just how I see it oughta be handled, though I'm taking a breather on it to see if there were any side effects.

If your depression is gonna start hindering you more than it might already have, seek help. We all have brains, let's not let them go kaput on us.

You're not a dick, but I've no reason to choose an opinion either way. I'm guessing you don't want to kill baby seals, or throw people off cliffs (frequently), so you're a good person.

[sarcasm]And if you suck at deckbuilding, well gosh darn, that's about the worst thing in the world, why do you even exist? [/sarcasm]

[OldTrees]

I understand that words don't have much effect against the hormones of depression. However here are some facts.

You understand your condition and are treating it.
You recognize the negative symptoms (being a bit of a drama queen at times) and are actively trying to mitigate them.
Together you are being very mature about it (as expected).

You may not be the best PvPer but you are still one of the high end players. Sometimes being good is enough. We don't have to be the best.

[Vangelios]

 Greeting Pella, you already must have heard that phrase;
"you can not please everyone" sad but true and I think you are a good player, you did much better than I would have done in budokan 8)

[AnonymousRevival]

Hey, there. I understand how you feel. You can feel ignored, neglected or dumped and it sucks. Yeah, I know that.

But while it is true that you have depression (or so you claim), note that most people would not give you 'special attention' because you suffer from it. They will essentially treat you the same like any other person (I know it's harsh, but that's reality). You have to earn people's trust and loyalty, before eventually treating you nicer and nicer. This is because depression is not an acceptable excuse to be overly aggressive, insult or MOST IMPORTANTLY: feel bad about yourself. Despite your depression, I'm pretty sure you are a nice guy in the inside and I would not like to see that go away.

Pella, you have the ability to do amazing things. Don't let these 'socializing issues' hinder you at all. They are just a small obstacle in life. You have a much larger goal waiting there for you. All you need to do it, is to approach it, accomplish it and you'll shine.

[Pella]

Hey, there. I understand how you feel. You can feel ignored, neglected or dumped and it sucks. Yeah, I know that.

But while it is true that you have depression (or so you claim), note that most people would not give you 'special attention' because you suffer from it. They will essentially treat you the same like any other person (I know it's harsh, but that's reality). You have to earn people's trust and loyalty, before eventually treating you nicer and nicer. This is because depression is not an acceptable excuse to be overly aggressive, insult or MOST IMPORTANTLY: feel bad about yourself. Despite your depression, I'm pretty sure you are a nice guy in the inside and I would not like to see that go away.

Pella, you have the ability to do amazing things. Don't let these 'socializing issues' hinder you at all. They are just a small obstacle in life. You have a much larger goal waiting there for you. All you need to do it, is to approach it, accomplish it and you'll shine.

Below is how I received the above.  Apologies in advance for the disparities between what you meant and what I got.

I know how you feel.

Except I think you may be lying, which indicates that I don't have the first clue how you feel.  And even if you're telling the truth, I don't give a rat's arse.  Buck up, be a man, get over it, and be nice to people regardless of how you're feeling, because no one gives a shit how you feel, anyway.  So just calm the fuck down from your aggression trip.  OH, AND BY THE WAY:  Be sure to just push the depression aside and feel good about yourself, because I'm sure the depression, even if it is real, is no big deal, anyway.

You're an amazing person.  Even though I know almost nothing about you, I'm sure of it.  Don't let some tiny thing like a debilitating mental illness that needs treatment for the rest of your life stand in the way of you being amazing.  Just ignore your depression, step out of all your comfort zones at the same time, and you'll be fine.

Thanks for the pep talk.

[UnderneathTheLens]

Pella, any comment can really be taken in a harsh light and in a positive light. Given your depression, it makes sense that you would take Anonymous' comment in a negative manner, (I can understand the relation between what he said and how you took it) but you should also try, as hard as it may be, to take in the positive as well.

I'm pretty sure that Anonymous meant that you shouldn't give up fighting your depression, and definitely not let it take over you, although he definitely could have said it in a better way.

In addition, I feel like most people kind of dislike themselves. I, for one, hate my guts. I consider myself to be lacking in self control, lazy, disorganized, and a bunch of other things. However, there's absolutely no point in dwelling on the bad things about yourself; you'll just sink lower and lower and you'll hate yourself even more for it. Rather, try to focus on your good traits (I don't know what they are, since I honestly don't know you that well, but I'm sure other people will tell you). From my impression of you, you seem to be a contributor to the community, and already holds a staff position even though you're relatively new (in my eyes). Overall, just try to move forward, and if you have bad traits, then try hard to fix them, instead of dwelling on them. If you think you're a dick, then try to stop being one, instead of thinking about how much of a dick you are. (Again, I don't know that much about you, so I can't really judge you or give you my opinion of you).

[AnonymousRevival]

Now, Pella. I know you're having a hard time, and honestly, I really do feel sorry for you. But if there's one thing you've got to understand and you may not like it, but please bear with me alright?

'Is that saying you have depression doesn't get extra attention or sympathy for you.'

Now I know I have previously mentioned this point, but this is very important. I know you've been in IRC telling about all these things and I do know how it feels because I, too, am a cynic, but the harsh truth is 'no one really cares.'

I remember telling my parents about me being bullied and tease, and having a hard time in school and all they said was 'It is your fault. You shouldn't have......' Even my very own parents think I'm a failure too. My friends weren't there when I need them the most, no matter how hard I study, I can't seem to improve my grades....and no one cares about me.

I understand I may not be able to help you because I don't understand your viewpoint or perspective, and I need to truly understand it to know how you feel. Perhaps you could send me a message or a PM and we could talk through it. You have a heart of gold but all you need to do is wash off the debris.

[Pella]

Fine.  No one cares.  Forget I said anything.  Please excuse me while I go run my car off a cliff.

[ZephyrPhantom]

Fine.  No one cares.  Forget I said anything.  Please excuse me while I go run my car off a cliff.

I'm sorry, Pella, but as the last generation's butt monkey/self soul-crusher of the forum, I sympathized with you until I saw this statement.

Please get a hold of yourself and try to talk it out with someone. It's the only you will move forward. I'm on chat if you need me, and I'm sure the rest of the community can certainly help.

That being said, you really should see a professional about these issues if you haven't done so already.

[MyNameIsJoey]

Fine.  No one cares.  Forget I said anything.  Please excuse me while I go run my car off a cliff.

Pella. Not only are you a guild teammate, but you've grown into a good friend of mine.
Anytime you need to talk, about anything, I'm there.

[kimham8a]

I would say some cliche stuff but I think you already know that.

Life sucks.