Well, there's a very long story behind everything, but I'll try to make it as short as possible for those with short attention spans.
Basically, I've always suffered from depression (self-diagnosed, but both my parents suffer from depression, so there's that). Either that, or I have a very dull outlook on life. Through recent events, I've become increasingly depressed, having even suicidal thoughts, even. Let me explain in more detail.
A little over 1 year ago, I joined a dance studio in my area (Studio 3 Performing Arts Academy). I did multiple musicals with that Studio, joined their competitive Show Choir, and made many friends through that Studio. Well, after doing 2 seasons of that Show Choir, I decided that it was far too intense for my liking and I didn't audition for a 3rd season. To keep in touch, a friend of mine made a big group chat on Facebook with our core group of friends (there were about 9 or so of us). In said group chat is where we would just talk for fun or, more importantly, organize get-togethers and parties. Everything was going fine with that group chat until this next event in my life happened:
Well, at the same time as all this is happening, I had a girlfriend. A girl named Emma. She was beautiful, sweet, caring, and so many other things I can't explain how lucky I was to have her. Well, the only problem with dating her was that she lives in a strict Mormon household. Me, being the non-religious person as I was, was not allowed to date her because "God frowned upon it" or some bullshit like that. Well, Emma decided that she'd rather be with me than respect her religion's wishes (it wasn't actually her religion that frowned upon it, but her mother -- more on that later). Well, her mother is a very strict Mormon who always listens to whatever "the Prophets" tell her, so naturally, she forbade our relationship. However, being the teenagers we are, we didn't listen. For 7 months we dated, seeing each other via the Studio, parties/get-togethers, and me being her math tutor. 7 months into our relationship, on a day I was tutoring her, we were getting ready to leave her house to head to the Studio for a rehearsal when we kissed each other goodbye, knowing there wouldn't be another opportunity with her parents around. To our dismay, her mother happened to walk downstairs right as we kissed and saw everything. That was the most awkward drive of my life. Her mother didn't say anything to me, but I know she probably game Emma an earful.
Well, that's when things took a big turn for the worst in my life. Emma was forced to break up with me because of her mother (and I totally understand why; her mother is a cruel tyrant). There was a lot of heartache and crying on my end, and I would assume her's as well. Either way, I started getting bitter and depressed. I left the group chat for a few days to cool down (since Emma was in the group chat). In the past, people had left the group chat to "cool down," but other people in the chat would add them back into the chat in time. No one ever added me back in. Only 3 people out of the now 15 people we had in the group chat have talked to me since (one was saying "we should hang out," but then never following up -- maybe out of pity). And now I see pictures of all of my friends in said chat at parties and etcetera without me.
Here's what it all boils down to: I now feel depressed beyond belief. There are nights I cry myself to sleep. I've had suicidal thoughts, even though I know I'm too much of a wimp to ever do it.. No one talks to me. I feel like no one cares about me and that no one would care if I were to die tomorrow. The people around the Elements community are pretty much the closest people I have to "friends" right now, and I don't even know any of you in real life.
I've never been the funniest guy around.
I've never been the best looking.
Or the most charming.
Or the sweetest.
Or the most talented.
Or the smartest.
Basically, there's nothing special about me, either.
What's the point of living when you have no friends to share life with? I honestly just can't handle it anymore.. My summer vacation is almost over and literally NO ONE has hung out with me all summer. I've been in my house except the occasional switch between my mom's house/dad's house.
Sorry to give you all a ton to read.. +rep to anyone who actually reads it all.
I'm also sorry to burden you guys with my problems.
*sigh*
