Jokes

[wckz]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."



xD LAWL xD

http://www.ahajokes.com/pol12.html

[wckz]

Yep I just found random jokes

I do have taste >=O
I taste chocolate, I taste brownies, I can't taste maturity

[Evil Hamster]

I just re-read my post and laughed- doesn't that count?

As for this post... I googled for jellyfish jokes and found:

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy: Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically.Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my butthole was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Stuck Jellyfish - No one has bad days like this.

[Evil Hamster]

I hope that cleared it up for some people.

I know what S**** is, whats this poo you changed it to?

 

[perflubon]

Q: What is the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?

A: The bad marksman shoots and shoots and doesn't hit....

[Qwandri]

so, three guys walk into a bar...

you think the third one would have seen the other two walk into it and ducked.

[Uncle Jellyfish]

I got this email from a friend of mine, and it's hilarious, so enjoy. ^^

 This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
 
 Jay Leno went into the audience to find the mos t embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.
 
 There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
 
 She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... And the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .
 
 It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late tha t afternoon.
 
 They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
 
 They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
 Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
 
 Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
 
 Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
 
 Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy mtal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.   
 
 As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. ' And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'
 
 Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

[Uncle Jellyfish]

I hope that cleared it up for some people.

I know what S**** is, whats this poo you changed it to?

 

Well, first of all, I cleaned up the grammar and what-not. Second of all, s*** is censored, so I changed it to poo so that it was easier to read (all those *'s get annoying after a while...).

[Uncle Jellyfish]

(Sorry, if my translation is bad. Jokes is hard to translate.)

Two cowboys, Bill and John, ride there horses down the road.
They're both bored.
Bill noticed a big pile of cow poo next to the road.
"Hey John!" Bill said, "I bet $100 you could not eat this piece of poo."
John thought for a moment, jumped off the horse, and ate the poo.
Bill was really confused, but gave John $100.

They continue their trip.

Now, John noticed some more cow poo next to the road and, because he still remember how awful it tasted, he says,
"Bill, I bet $100 that you could not eat it!"

Bill, on the other hand, want's his $100 back, so he ate the poo.
John, smiling, give him back $100.
"Well," said John, "now you can taste this as well.

They continue their trip.

Then, suddenly, Bill says,

"John, it has just come to mind that we ate some poo for free..."

I hope that cleared it up for some people.

One stone says to another:
- Hello, excelent weather today.
The other reply:
-OMG!!! Talking STONE!!!!

We have a joke like this around here, too.

One day, two muffins were sitting in an oven.
The first muffin turns to the second and says,
"It's awfully hot in here, don't you think?"
The second muffin replies with astonishment,
"ACK! Talking muffin!!!"

[wckz]

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.

"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

[wckz]

Hamster and jellyfish, edit your posts to add jokes in them >=o

Q: What's does a pitcher hate the most?

A: A cave, too many bats

[Site Administrator]

so, three guys walk into a bar...

you think the third one would have seen the other two walk into it and ducked.

So, how old is that one, exactly?

Anyway - wikipedia is quite funny sometimes:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Administrators%27_noticeboard/IncidentArchive363#I_deleted_the_Main_Page

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:BEANS

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Wikipedia_humor


Would you believe I found thee from links about trolls?