How does this work?

[johannhowitzer]

I'm not so sure yet.  Just got a message saying some guy she really liked fed her the "let's just be friends."  Now I'm stuck between several conflicting emotions and courses of action.

This is looking kinda similar to what happened just before I landed in my best (past) relationship, with a girl named Maggie, in college.  Maggie had just broken up with a boyfriend of a year and a half, and I showed up and consoled, not meaning to be attractive... but I guess I was.  We started dating a couple months later.  So on the one hand, looking at this situation, it's kinda hard not to think, "if I play my cards right, it could happen again."  Because it feels like I should just be caring about what she's going through.  Plus of course if I get in that mindset I could come across as trying to take advantage.

So right now I'm just trying to be a shoulder I guess.  I asked her about taking a walk (before she mentioned being let down), and she seems too bummed to go for that, at least right now.

Any experience or sage wisdom for me to draw on?  This one's tricky.

[redium]

Just be honest and open about any concerns and feelings.  Explain how you feel, just dont let it come out as a dam exploding.  People genuinely seem to respond to honesty.  If nothing happens you can at least know you laid it out on the table.

[johannhowitzer]

Well, this has been an "interesting" evening.  Did as you recommended, and she hasn't actually addressed my interest yet - though she did say to text her, and we've had a bit of an odd conversation over text.  She seems encouraged, a little.  I'm either headed straight back to the "friend zone" here, or actually making an impression.  Trying to keep it light.

EDIT: Final practical result of tonight - I have been asked to hang out with her and some friends.  Sounds like this won't be a total loss, even if she's not attracted.

[Astrocyte]

Frankly I think it's kinda weird that she's telling you about other dudes already, and while lots of things are possible on her end, I'd say these are the most likely:
1) she's already friendzoned you and will cry on your shoulder if it's there but she'll never date you
2) she's already figuring on keeping you for a rebound guy
3) she's trying to figure out whether you're worth keeping for a rebound guy
4) she likes you but is scared of jumping in too soon after a burn
#s 1-3 are not necessarily total losses, as you learned with Maggie in college, but they have as much chance to be aggravating as awesome.

My advice: Do NOT ask her about this other guy or how she's feeling about that situation, or offer to cheer her up about that specifically -- it will come across as you asking "Aren't you done with this yet?". Listen if she brings it up. If she says she's having a bad day, say you're sorry and ask if you can help. Let stuff happen. And if you lose your patience with all of it, so be it -- at this point you don't owe her anything. Asking if she wanted to go for a walk was a nice low key thing to ask, props on that.

If she challenges you or accuses you about your intentions at some point, say something like "I think you're great and I do like you but I don't want to push you into anything."

But really, it sounds like you're handling things pretty well, dude. Hopefully it turns out well for you.

[johannhowitzer]

Way ahead of you.  Hard knocks have apparently taught me well.  Here's the message I sent on redium's advice:

someone on this site. we got along great and enjoyed each others company. everytime i get a date with someone from online we'll have a great time and then the let's just be friends line is always tagged onto the second date or by text.

Every time? Well, not quite... and I think this is my cue to level with you, if for no other reason than to rescue a foundering evening.

You've caught my attention. I see a huge amount of common interests, we had a lot of fun hanging out last week, and at the very least, I think we've got an awesome friendship here - but at the risk of killing the mystery, that's not all I'm interested in. This is initial interest I'm talking about here, not some huge crush; I don't dive in emotionally right away. So if you feel you need to give ME the "let's just be friends," do so without any guilt. But I for one would like to see where this goes.

Granted, we've only met *once*, but I know what the "friend zone" is like (oh gosh do I ever), so I thought you might like to know you haven't ended up there every time.

Even if she isn't going to date me, I'd like to be her friend.  So that's how I'm playing it for now.