How does this work?

[johannhowitzer]

Hah, since when do I ever post anything personal on this forum?

I've been registered on two dating sites for a while, though I rarely check them unless I get a message - got better things to do than window shop.  Usually the women who send me messages are pretty obviously desperate (the demographic is a bit lacking, I think).  I even had a stalker once, which was a little flattering in retrospect but pretty annoying while it was happening.  And of course there's the occasional Nigerian scammer posing as a model who wants to get into your pants ASAP, but needs some money to move to your country and get married.  (Those are always a fun read.)

About a week ago I got an email notification that I got a message from someone, so I logged on to read it... which put me at the top of the list, of course, and I immediately got a couple more messages.  One girl was... really enthusiastic about meeting me, so we met, and as I thought, she was acting a little desperate.

Just tonight I had dinner with the first girl who sent me a message, her name is Lauren, she's a doctor's assistant at a hospital, a huge nerd, plays the violin and loves many of the same musical things as I do, has a sharp mind and is very pretty.  Looks like a near-perfect match to me.  In our online conversation, she said she prefers to be friends first and see if anything grows out of that.  We parted ways, and neither of us has the other's phone number.

It's been a while since I've had to step up and act on anything, and the internet is especially unforgiving when it comes to second dates, or even moving from first meeting to hanging out regularly as friends (which is what I'd prefer to do).  I don't know how this is supposed to work.  On the one hand, if I'm too forward about asking to hang out more, she may interpret that as interest and back away.  On the other, if I'm too relaxed about it, we aren't currently in the same circle of friends, so nothing will come of it, friendship or otherwise.  I'm a confident sort of chap, making conversation at dinner is always easy and I was relaxed about it tonight, but I've just never been good at gauging the after-date game.

Welcoming advice, ridicule, banter, loaded questions, flirting, anything I can glean some direction from.  Let me know if you need me to fill in any blanks.

[Nepycros]

If you wanna see her again, saying, "Hey, last time was fun. Are you interested in meeting up again? I enjoyed talking to you," isn't too awkward.

[Cel]

If you wanna see her again, saying, "Hey, last time was fun. Are you interested in meeting up again? I enjoyed talking to you," isn't too awkward.

I ^agree,^ it doesn't sound to forcing, and it instead sound like you've been thinking about her. If, however, the question is not about what to say but if you should, it might be better to wait a week or so to show that you respect her wish of wanting to be friends first.

[BluePriest]

Also, if you introduce her to elements. Remove this topic lol.  But yeah, just say hey, and find something else to do with her.

[johannhowitzer]

Our contact so far has been the one meeting, plus messages online about every other day, sometimes more often, if that helps.

Right now I'm thinking play it casual like Nepy suggests, maybe a message in the next day or two.

[th1s1sr4nd0m]

FOREVER ALONE

But still, hope that everything works out for you.

 

[Jappert]

If you wanna see her again, saying, "Hey, last time was fun. Are you interested in meeting up again? I enjoyed talking to you," isn't too awkward.

This. For sure. I mean you're not asking her to do anything she doesn;t wanna do ehrself, she;s probably waiting for that message right now. I personally wouldn;t wait to long (as in... a week+). People, even good friends, could find it unthoughtfull if you dont keep ín touch for that ammount of time.
Just don't push her. Tell her you had a great time and would like to do it again at a later date. If she agrees you can always reply asking when would be a good time for her.

I would personally go for the Nigerian though, sounds like a topmodel stuck on an airport to  me!

[johannhowitzer]

FOREVER ALONE

You, sir, have just summed up my love life for the past five years.  I had a few relationships in college, and then after college found out I apparently suck at finding a girlfriend in the real world.

Message sent, but it still seems to me she's going to read "interested" into it.  Not much one can do when the woman puts herself on a pedestal.  (Pardon my fatalism... it's pretty hard not to think this way after so long of trying and failing.)

[DrunkDestroyer]

Always go for it.
Best thing to do is to give them the impression that you'd like to do it again while you're out there with her. Then you have the option, and can pull it out casually later, rather than doing the semi-awkward online asking and inviting. It's always easy to not follow through when you say "I should take you out again sometime" if you discover some mindblowing secret along the way, but it gives you all the options.

Also, try to distance yourself from technology with her if you get the chance. I personally always find it harder to talk to girls over anything that isn't face to face, try to make that your main method of contact. Means you are a bit more excused for not knowing the formalities and social tendencies of the "after-date game"



If nothing seems to be happening after a while, push for it. If you don't hang out together, and are unlikely to see her casually otherwise, might as well put in a strong effort to set up a second date, even if its a little over the top.

Good luck man!

[Astrocyte]

DD nailed it, there's no secrets or tricks to this kind of thing. Playing games only attracts other people who play games. Just be straightforward without being overbearing... sending an e-mail or a text the next day, or calling in 2-3 days, with something like "Hey, it was nice meeting you and I had a good time and I hope you had a good time too, would you wanna hang out again sometime?" is not overbearing. You can't control how she reacts -- if she acts in an unreasonable way, you've learned she's not for you, and you can dust yourself off and try again.

This girl sounds pretty cool and I hope you at least get a friend out of it -- good luck!

[johannhowitzer]

Yeah, I've developed quite a bit of armor to rejection over the past couple years; women you meet online also don't reject you outright usually - they just drop out of contact.  It looked like that's what happened here, I sent a message one day after our first meeting, and didn't hear back.  Then last night out of the blue I got a reply, turns out she's just been busy and setting up a new computer; she is interested in meeting again.

Hardest thing about dating (especially online) isn't first dates; I can get all kinds of first dates every week if I want.  It's second dates.  But now I've gotten her to admit she wants to hang out with me after having met me - so a large part of the pressure is off.

[DrunkDestroyer]

Yeah, I've developed quite a bit of armor to rejection over the past couple years; women you meet online also don't reject you outright usually - they just drop out of contact.  It looked like that's what happened here, I sent a message one day after our first meeting, and didn't hear back.  Then last night out of the blue I got a reply, turns out she's just been busy and setting up a new computer; she is interested in meeting again.

Hardest thing about dating (especially online) isn't first dates; I can get all kinds of first dates every week if I want.  It's second dates.  But now I've gotten her to admit she wants to hang out with me after having met me - so a large part of the pressure is off.

Sweeeht!

This is the part where you high-five your wingmen .

Good going