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Offline Drake_XIVTopic starter

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Petrichor [Updated 1/28/13] [Weekly] https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=46073.msg1033101#msg1033101
« on: January 17, 2013, 10:30:01 pm »



I have grown some interest in actually trying to maintain a story with weekly updates, as it would allow me to control the pace at which the story goes without feeling the unnecessary pressure of strict deadlines as seen with events like NaNoWriMo.

Also, this is also an exercise for me to flesh out some of my own writing flaws while not under a strict timeline and lax upkeep, as it will be updated at my own discretion while weekly is the average goal.

But rather than shooting my attempts at my worn peers or a faceless crowd, I thought it'd be best to test waters here, where the balance between suggestions and flaming is sufficient for a proper critique.

Anyways, it would be appreciated if comments were not posted in this thread, but on another thread, as to not interrupt the flow if I ever establish it.

I am in your care.




FeedbackContentsChapter 1Chapter 2
Chapter 3Chapter 4Chapter 5Chapter 6
Chapter 7Chapter 8Chapter 9Chapter 10
Chapter 11Chapter 12Chapter 13Chapter 14
« Last Edit: January 28, 2013, 09:21:14 am by Drake_XIV »

Offline Drake_XIVTopic starter

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Re: Petrichor: Chapter 01 [Updated 1/22/13] https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=46073.msg1034649#msg1034649
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2013, 07:16:06 am »
Kagami hated Mondays.

It was not the boring trek uphill to the school that set him in such a mood.  Nor was it the lonely trudge past the shoe lockers up to the third-year classrooms.  It was not the promise of a week of endless work and tests that put him down so easily either.

It was the sound of freedom leaving.

The lazing around on a weekend after the trials that he underwent weekly was a godsend.  And not something he would easily give up.  But his accepted life of energy conservation was something he had to put on hold, especially with the realities of the working world closing in around him.  In order to secure a life where he could retreat to his quiet hovel of a home, so that he could once again reclaim his lost freedom, he had to make sacrifices and take care of the work before him.

But until then, he was trapped in this cage, waiting to be released.

But all hope was not to be lost, even on this dark winter morning.  Despite being holed up in this cage of his, Kagami found one small escape among doldrums of this educational prison, a minute beam of hope that cracked through the dark overhang to illuminate his dreary existence.

Setting his bag by his desk, a lonely seat in the far corner of the room, Kagami looked over through the windows of the empty classroom, down to the fields below.  Just beyond a small gathering of trees were the high wire fences that surrounded the tennis courts just at the foot of the building, where the staccato shouts echoed lightly through the seemingly empty campus.

That was where she was.

Takamine Sena.

It could be said that she was the object of Kagami's unrequited affections, but such news would not be pried from his mouth, his tongue refusing to speak on that matter.  Instead, it could be found in how he gazed upon her when he thought no one was looking, either from his perch in the classroom as he looked down or when class was in session, when she was three rows in front of him and one seat to the right.

But she did not sit there yet.  Instead, she was in the clearing below.  Practicing.  As was the rest of the team, but Kagami did not care much for them.  One of the reasons he actually liked coming to this place so early on Mondays was to revel silently as he observed Sena from above.

She maintained a certain poise, an air of elegance, as she, with deft hand, cleaved at the incoming ball, sending it back over the net gracefully, preparing for the next stroke of the rally.  Her black hair tied up exposed the nape of her neck and defined where her jawline curved up to underneath her ear, small details scarcely to be noted as she continued to return the ball vigorously in practice.  Her blue eyes were clear and focused, caring more on the path of the ball rather than the light sprinkling from the overcast skies.

The rain came down slightly faster, stronger, but still the practice went on, the beating of the balls on the court continued, getting faster, stronger, to meet the tempo of the falling droplets.  Quicker the rallies went, stirring up the dirt under the light rain.

But despite the players' dedication, the drops were unrelenting and showed no promise of ending soon.  As the drizzle swelled and the practice slowed to a halt, the members of the tennis club retired from their early practice to a humble building at the end of the courts.  The girls retreated inside, seeking shelter and dry place to change and a tall, tanned man walked out, umbrella in hand.

The coach.

Despite the worsening weather, Sena perked up as he approached, holding the umbrella over her as he escorted her back to the club room, out of the rain.  This was why she decided to stay on the tennis team despite never making it into any competitions or having the support of any other seniors.  It was just to see him.

By now, the classroom showed signs of life as people began trickling in.  The clamor of the students seeking shelter from the elements filled the room as a chime rang signalling the beginning of class.

Kagami sighed and slumped back in his seat, losing himself in the cadence of the rainfall as it struck the windows with strange rhythmic precision, the swell swallowing him as an aged and windblown warden entered with even more tortures in his textbook.

Kagami hated Mondays.
« Last Edit: January 31, 2013, 08:54:34 pm by Drake_XIV »

Offline Drake_XIVTopic starter

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Re: Petrichor: Chapter 02 [Updated 1/28/13] [Weekly] https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=46073.msg1036285#msg1036285
« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2013, 09:20:05 am »
But as soon as the day began, it ended.  The clouds had scattered under the rule of the midday sun, taking with it the rain that had plagued the city moments earlier.  Under its brilliance did the pools recede, allowing the courtyard to dry as the students finished up their studies inside.

As the hours prolonged, the great star wavered in power, turning to an orange tone as it retreated from its perch in the center of sky.  Slowly but surely, the clouds came back and take its place as it retreated to the horizon.

The red sun was barely peering over the edge of the skyline as the chimes rang again, marking the end of yet another day of tests and papers.  With the rain cleared, an earthy smell arose from the pavement as the students changed footwear and headed out, disturbing the murky mirrors on the ground with every fumbling step as they inched closer to leaving the premises.

And out they came in masses.

From the shoe lockers came a horde of students.  Going to or coming from club activities, it did not matter.  The only thing that mattered to them was getting past the gate, to reclaim what little freedom they had during the week before the sun had set for the day.

Among these, a black haired youth, obsidian locks slicked back to show his eyes despite them being obscured by his spectacles, stumbled with hurried steps to keep up with the teeming crowd of impatient students while avoiding the splash of the muddy puddles that dotted the stretch from the school threshold to the seemingly far gates  Papers in hand, he weaved through the mass until he reached the walls that lined the school grounds.

But it was still a bit much for him.  Stepping aside to a tree whose branches hang low over the walls, Tetsurou rested against its sturdy trunk, allowing the rest of the students to press through before he did so himself.  But he had yet to relax as he heard someone call out to him.

Tetsurou.

Upon hearing his name, he looked up to a familiar sight.  Standing by the painted iron gates, two figures stood tall, but both oddly cold for obviously different reasons.  The first, a very sullen Kagami, leaned against the inner wall, basking in the shadow set by the penitentiarial fence.  The other figure, a bespectacled black haired beauty, sauntered over to the tree, stopping just in front of him.  Her face was devoid of feeling as she looked him in the eyes, her words sending a slight shiver down his spine with their condescending tone.

"You're late.  Unforgivable."

Despite how emotionless that statement was, how some would have been struck it as odd at how uncaring the tone was with such a statement, he could not help but smile slightly, the corners of his mouth barely turning up as if smirking.  His girlfriend was cold, but if there was anything Tetsurou learned over the years, it was that she was forgiving, no matter what the initial level of animosity there was.

"Sorry Yuki, I had to file some forms Kanazawa asked me to take care of..."

But his sheepish statement seemed to have no effect as Yuki merely turned her head away to the gates, ignoring his excuse.  If it was any other girl, any other situation, he would be worrying about how to make it up to her in some extravagant way.  But he did not.  Because he knew she understood.  She always did.

By now, the crowd of escapees had dispersed, leaving the trio to stand in silence under the old tree.  Without a word, Kagami pushed himself off the wall and, bag in hand, walked past the wrought gates, Tetsurou and Yuki following silently after him.

It may seem strange for this procession to take place, three high school students walking in close and quiet formation, but it was a normal process for them.  They had all wandered the same route home since primary school, walked through alleys and other questionable detours together, gotten sidetracked by arcades for hours on end, until they had somehow reached the end of their block, where their houses stood one after the other.

And today was no different from any other day.

So they passed through the streets, counting the blocks as they passed the park they once played at during the summer months, the small family bakery they once frequented during middle school, the train station they would take for some roundabout adventures in Shibuya.  But they kept on passing by these memories in silence.

"So, Kagami, are you going today?"

As if on cue, Tetsurou broke, or at least attempted to break, the silence that had recently befallen their group on this long journey home.  But all that his inquiry garnered was, like always, a mere shrug from Kagami.  A maybe.  Which meant, if it was coming from Kagami, there was no chance of it happening.  But it was to be expected.  It was Monday after all and nothing good ever happens on a Monday.

Especially to Kagami.

So again did the trio quietly trudge through the neighborhood until they reached the main intersection, where there was no lack of sound and the occasional car rushed by.  The store fronts were bustling slightly as owners attended to the customers who just got released from school while others awaited for the signal to cross.  But despite the passing cars and vendors, the air was still fresh in this part of town after the rain.

As they approached the intersection, Kagami broke away, his windswept hair covering his eyes as he turned away from his colleagues as they joined the crowd that huddled underneath the signal, waiting for the light to change.  His words were almost lost beneath the cacophony of engines and pedestrians but made their way to the couple nonetheless.

"Well, I need to drop by the bookstore, so I guess I'll leave you two alone.  See you guys tomorrow."

With a small wave to them, Kagami slipped off in the opposite direction, Yuki staring after him as he sank into the depths of another wave of students.  But she was jolted as she felt a slight push around her.  The light had turned green and the pedestrians began to cross the street.

Turning his attention back from the distanced Kagami to his girlfriend, Tetsurou gritted his teeth slightly as he gave her a small smile.

"Let's go off then?"
« Last Edit: May 29, 2013, 06:17:25 pm by Drake_XIV »

 

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