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Elements the Novel: First Kingdom (Water): Chapter 1 *UPDATED* https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=42580.msg530627#msg530627
« on: August 08, 2012, 12:42:13 pm »
This is what I've came up with Elements the Novel. I've finished with the first chapter. I just want to know if you guys like it so far. The novel's protagonist so far originates in the Water Kingdom. The language they use there is Bahasa Melayu (which is very similar to Bahasa Indonesia). Hope you guys like it and comments would be appreciated!

“Wow” I looked up at the ceiling.

It was nicely decorated. I couldn’t seem to explain it. It was designed of simple shapes such as diamonds and rhombuses, but yet the patterns, creativity they use along with its symmetry could create such a beautiful pattern.

“Amazing isn’t it?” I turned to my right to face Matthius.

Matthius Cerulean, childhood friend and an elemental like I am. I remembered he was here the year before, but he couldn’t even pass the second round. Out of the millions of inhabitants in the Air Raya, or Water Kingdom, only a lucky few hundred can be trained in Dewan Pertahanan Dari Duapuluh (Defense Council of the Twenty). There they will be trained to become pure elementalists, a sign of status in our Kingdom. They will also be used when our kingdom faces great peril or war.

“Isn’t it?” Matthius spoke to me again.

“Yeah” I smiled. I must have been contemplating too much again.

We continued to walk inside Alun-alun Masyarakat Pengadilan (Square of the Tribunal Community). It is utterly amazing. I remembered in Berlumpur Air, my hometown, we never had buildings of such beauty and magnificence. We do have edifices taller than these, but, they never seen to be made with effort and diligence. No wonder my hometown was taken by its literal meaning, muddy water.  It’s true. Half the year the water really is muddy due to chrysaoras and physalias constantly excreting out their infectious poisons. I’m not kidding, these infected waters can be fatal. I remembered that a dozen or so people died from accidentally drinking these nasty stuff.

“Seems like much hasn’t changed the last time I came here” Matthius said, trying to be an icebreaker.

“Bagus” Good.

We walked near the center of the hall, and at the center of the plaza is a pile of water pillars forming in such beautiful patterns and undulating waves. This must be the works of a veteran, an elementalist, only they can manipulate water into such a nice way. And in the center of these hydrotechnics, was a statue, like 10ft tall. It was crafted of water too, but it was so pure, like air suci, holy water itself. It was lustrous and shiny, like metal. I knew my water crafting class had some use, probably someday, I could create masterpieces of equivalence in elegance and beauty, or perhaps even greater, who knows.

“That statue, at the center there is Aqruo Minutas, he is…..”

“Yeah, I know. You’d be a moron if you do not know who he is.” I interrupted.

He was the founder of this tribunal plaza, the source of justice, and the source of training the elementals into pure elementalists. I then took a closer look at him. He was actually quite gorgeous, with the angel wings spread wide out. He was holding both hands onto a sword, with the tip touching the ground, a typical sign for stature and glory.

Surrounding him are six other statues, they, however, were carved of marble and were only about 7ft tall. I knew they helped to sponsor or contribute to this plaza which made them in reverence here, but I kind of forgotten their names, perhaps, I’ve never even learnt them before. What can I say, I live in Berlumpur Air, a barely developed suburb.

“That guy, with the pointy beard, that’s Kwarzhimi Anostias. We nickname him “Jalil” because, he’s unmoving and strong, like a hill.” Matthius told me.

“That guy with huge muscles and in an attack stance with brass knuckles. No one knows his real name. He was an orphan, so we call him “Batu.””

Aaaahhhhh. Stone.

“That women holding a staff, that’s Monica Jahazrimi.”

“Does she have a nickname too?” I asked

“Oh yes….we call her “S’lamanya”, short form for selama lamanya.”

“She is an immortal?”

“Oh yes. Infact, she is the only one who is still alive today. Rumours said she found the Fountain of Youth. Old, yet beautiful like the statue is today.”

“So where is she now?”

“She is the matriarch of this plaza I should say.”

“Ohhh….how about that statue…..the one that was turned into a pile of ruins?”

“That is Kwarzhil. We never intend to resurrect the structure.”

“Why not?”

“He was a traitor” Matthius does not seem to like to talk about it.

“He tried to destroy the plaza and infect the waters of Air Raya, infecting the millions of inhabitants. So he was executed by being placed in a chamber and pressurizing the water by 50 million times atmospheric pressure.”

“Ouch.” I can feel the pressurized water touching my skin, prickling it like icicles.

“Attention! Attention!”

Matthius and I turned around.

“Welcome to you all elementals! Terima kasih! It must have been a long and tiring journey for you all to come here! Maafkan saya. And I really appreciate how elementals like you would want to train to become pure elementalists and to protect our kingdom!”

“Who is she?” I turned to Matthius

He pointed at the statue.

“Oh.”

Yeah. I thought. Me. It would be one in a million for me to be chosen. Like, I can. I looked around, boys with ripped abs and women with signs of nimbleness and intelligence. How would I be a chosen one for the Dewan Pertahanan Dari Duapuluh?

Jahazrimi continued. “In order we begin to select the lucky few hundred, we would like you all to eat and sleep well, for you all came so long to arrive here. And then only will we start traveling to Air Alasan to test your true capabilities.”

I heard a few people moaning. I turned around to face them. No wonder, they were muscular, tall and looked very intelligent too.

“We will assign you all into a dormitory. Feel free like its home. Selamat jalan, and I’ll see you all tomorrow.” She smiled, with her right hand raised and left.

I wasn’t admiring my trident for very long before a staff here offered me and Matthius a pair of keys to our dormitory.

“Thanks” Matthius said with a smile.

“Termia kasih” I said.

“Sama sama” she smiled and left.

The keys caught my eyes. I snatched it from Matthius. Keys. I never had keys back at my place. We only had a wooden door, and at any moment, a rouge can tear it down with a kick and rob all of my family’s possessions. Maybe that was the reason why I traveled here, to have a feeling of safety and indulgence, and to protect my family in the future. It is amazing how such a small piece of metal could determine the safety of a residential structure. I felt a knock on my skull.

“Done yet?” Matthius asked.

“Yeah” I said, scratching the back of my head to alleviate the pain.

Just when Matthius was about to unlock the door to our dormitory, I pushed him aside and stared at a shiny object in the door. It was amazing. It was made…..of metal. Metal was much more expensive than wood, but much more strong and provided a much stronger sense of safety. It is what the plaza was made of, this amazing material! I had the urge to kiss it and I did.

“Ew….” Matthius gave a perplexed look. “Stop kissing the doorknob, that’s disgusting!”

“Door-what?”

“Hhhuuuhhhh….nevermind”. Matthius wiped the doorthingy clean, and inserted the key into it. Ooooohhhh. It was used to insert the key in. A click. The door was pushed open. I stood myself up.

“Sorry for kissing that…”

“Its ok. You lived in one of the poorest places in Air Raya, you would not have seen doorknobs before, and I respect that.”

Doorknob. Doorknob. Doorknob. I must remember this wonderful name.

Upon opening the door, my eyes shone. Painted crystal blue walls, a couch, a coffee table on top of a nice soothing looking rug, a kitchen with wonderful lights hanging on top of it and a microwave and oven. Wow, I thought, there was too much to describe right now. I was left utterly speechless. I had never seen any of these things in my hometown. I mean, even the walls are painted to such a dazzling azure! This must be heaven.

Matthius was just about to close the door when a hand forced through. “I’m sorry, is this room 829?”

I turned around. Three more faces were at the corridor.

“Yes” I replied.

“Good. ‘Cuz we’ve been searching this place forEVER! By the way, name’s John. She’s Amelia and he’s Ajax.”

“Matthius” he shook hands with John. “He’s Sayan.”

“Sayan. Sounds like one of those rural or suburban names.” Ajax replied as the trio we entering in. Matthius closed the door.

“Yeah. I live in Berlumpur Air.” I said, kind of embarrassed.

“Oh. You poor thing. Living there must’ve been tough huh?” Amelia replied. It felt kind of weird, yet nice for her to say like this. No girl other than my mother or my three sisters would’ve said something like this to me before.

“Thanks.” I felt a bit embarrassed because I was contemplating too long to reply.

After all of us were finished with designating our rooms and unpacking and all of that stuff, I was constantly admiring my doorknob to my room for a couple of minutes. It was amazing. I was wondering how come I’ve never been able to experience such indulgence before in the entire land of Air Raya.

I was then glued to the window in the living room. It turns out the scavenger hunt for indulgences hasn’t ended. It turns out that penetrating through the window is an aquatic world. I can see fish, whales, sharks, manta rays, any sort of aquatic life. It was truly amazing. It was a MEGA sized aquarium. This is what I’m seeing with my very own eyes.

John came, slouched in the couch, grabbed a mechanical device. “Sayan, you want to watch some TV?”

“TV?”

“Television?”

“Ohhh, I’ve heard of it before. But I never really knew how it looked like.”

“Well, here it is.”

Wow. It was amazing. It was huge. So sleek and slender. Must’ve been made of metal.

“Yup, 45 inches of pure plasma awesomeness.”

“The aether creatures are attacking us!?” I replied in shock.

“Oh no silly.” John said “This is called a plasma TV. It uses rare earth metals, cathode tubes and plasma to pixelate the images for us to watch.”
Metal, again. It is awesome to live in metallic wonderland.

“I’m sorry, I…”

“It’s ok. You’ve never heard or experienced any of these things before. It’s perfectly alright to not know about these things. I should be the one sorry, living in such a wonderful place when you have to fight hunger, scavenging through garbage bags and wearing torn clothes.” John said, sympathetically.

“It’s ok. Some people are just born poor.” I said sheepishly.

“You should not. Did you see that demolished statue of Kwarzhil and the center of the plaza?”

I nodded.

“He corrupted the entire of Air Raya. Berlumpur Air used to not have chrysoaras and physalias infecting the waters there. Berlumpur Air used to be a financial hub. It was he who ruined your hometown.”

Wow. That is what you get for education. You get to learn things. Education must be awesome. I want to earn more of it.

I was about to open my mouth when the doorbell rang. Ajax, who was apparently in the dining table, polishing something with a cloth, opened the door. It was a servant, no I should not say servant. A woman with a tray full of nice aromas. It was the woman who gave me and Matthius those wonderful keys.

“Menikmati hidangan anda!” She smiled. Enjoy your meal.

It was FOOD? I couldn’t believe it. I’ve never smelt such nice food before. Perhaps because all the food I eat were garbage scraps, cold garbage scraps.

“Terima kasih.” Ajax replied.

“Kembali” She smiled and she closed the door.

Just the smell of it made me full, and then hungry, and then full, and then hungry again. It was weird to my stomach. I should eat but maybe I shouldn’t. I don’t deserve this. Everyone else was about to settle down with the supper still filling the air with its sweet and scrumptious aromas. I stared at the window. A whale shark was slowly swimming pass by.

“Aren’t you going to eat?” Matthius asked me

“Yeah, you should eat something.” John replied.

“I don’t deserve this. Living in here seems like heaven to me already.”

“But you should. You can’t enter Air Alasan tomorrow with an empty stomach and without energy.” Amelia said coaxingly.

She has a logical point. But still, seeing myself enjoying this place while my family is still in suffering, it just seems not right.

“Aw come on….” Ajax said.

“Alright.” I turned and headed to the dining table. I’ve never felt so important in my life. Strangers, asking me to mendamaikan, to reconcile with them.

I sat down, with John to my left and Matthius to my right. Ajax handed me a plate of food to me. I stood up, took it with both hands, thanked him and sat down. Upon a closer look, my eyes opened. Steamed tridentfish, fries with molten coral sauce, a burger with the freshest of ingredients with seared salmon and tuna. This is too much for me, but I can’t resist. I gorged it down my throat.

“So…what brings you to Dewan Pertahanan Dari Duapuluh?” John asked me

“Yeah, you actually haven’t told me.” Matthius replied.

“Well, I wanted to protect my family, you know. Of all the robberies that occurred in my house, I only managed to prevent three. The rest I have to rely on my dad. So I decided to sign up for training to become a pure water elementalist.” I replied.

“That’s interesting. Maybe when we're finished, I'd be happy to show you a few moves." Ajax replied.

"Thanks." I gave a quick smile. "But I am quite tired actually, so if you don't mind I would like to sleep first."

"Well, alright then, hope you're preapred for Air Alasan tommorrow!" Ajax smiled back.

"Alright, selamat malam to you all!" I gave a rather tired look.

"Good night!" They all replied.

I was too tired to wash up, so I went straight to my room. I changed my clothes and then I layed down on the bed. Boy, did it feel good. Feels like the purest cotton from the Time Kingdom. I even have a nice pillow to rest my head on. I can get used to this I thought. I raised my head up, and found a figurine of Perchta, the Goddess of Air Raya, raising her hands.

"Thank you Perchta." I said softly, too tired to speak.

Tommorrow I will face Air Alasan, the toughest challenge all of Air Raya will ever face, and I'm glad I'm one eligible for this. I will become a water elementalist. To protect my family, to protect Berlumpur Air, to protect Air Raya.

"Air Alasan, here I come!" I used up my final breath of energy, and fell into a deep sleep.
« Last Edit: August 09, 2012, 06:54:23 am by AnonymousRevival »
Ignotum venit retro vivere. :aether :light

Offline Poker Alho

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Re: Elements the Novel: Kingdom 1-Water: Chapter 1 (Draft) https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=42580.msg530668#msg530668
« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2012, 04:24:47 pm »
i would certainly like to read more of it!

Offline Absol

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Re: Elements the Novel: Kingdom 1-Water: Chapter 1 (Draft) https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=42580.msg530669#msg530669
« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2012, 04:31:47 pm »
Oh, you're a Malaysian?

Good writing, i guess. Only complain is the wally text. Break down the paragraphs and give space between paragraphs.
"Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum, quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit."
"There is no one who loves pain itself, who seeks after it and wants to have it, simply because it is pain."

Offline Zam888

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Re: Elements the Novel: Kingdom 1-Water: Chapter 1 (Draft) https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=42580.msg530673#msg530673
« Reply #3 on: August 08, 2012, 04:37:51 pm »
Would love to read more excerpts as they are completed  ;D

Offline Pineapple

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Re: Elements the Novel: Kingdom 1-Water: Chapter 1 (Draft) https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=42580.msg530686#msg530686
« Reply #4 on: August 08, 2012, 05:23:26 pm »
4-5 space indents are your friend.
And I'll just leave this here...

Offline AnonymousRevivalTopic starter

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Re: Elements the Novel: Kingdom 1-Water: Chapter 1 (Draft) https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=42580.msg530867#msg530867
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2012, 01:05:55 am »
Oh, you're a Malaysian?

Good writing, i guess. Only complain is the wally text. Break down the paragraphs and give space between paragraphs.

No. But my maternal relatives live there so I travel there a lot. Their food and destinations are great haha.

Alright, glad you guys enjoyed it. I will try to write more of it when i can.
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Offline AnonymousRevivalTopic starter

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Re: Elements the Novel: Kingdom 1-Water: Chapter 1 (Draft) https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=42580.msg530891#msg530891
« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2012, 02:20:53 am »
Alright, part 2 updated.
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Offline AnonymousRevivalTopic starter

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Re: Elements the Novel: Kingdom 1-Water: Chapter 1 (Draft) https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=42580.msg530917#msg530917
« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2012, 04:21:45 am »
Alright, first chapter is complete. Hope you guys enjoy it :)!
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