Orbit Admiral JonathanCrazyJ had a headache.
Or, rather, he had been having a headache, or was about to have a headache. The fact he wasn't even sure in what timeframe his headache existed was the very thing giving him the headache he was going to have had.
It all started when JonathanCrazyJ's radio crackled on, and Russian screamed "Orbit Admiral! Don't touch that! It's disgusting!" This was incredibly confusing, and quite insulting, because JonathanCrazyJ was preparing to urinate at the time.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN?" JonathanCrazyJ roared. "HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M DOING IN HERE?"
Espithel, who was waiting outside the latrine deck at the time mumbled through the door "uh, Orbit Admiral, I'd hope you're peeing in there because I have already been waiting out here for 45 minutes."
JonathanCrazyJ was puzzled enough at that point to stop dreaming up fabulous ways of torturing his Space Trooper. "What are you talking about Espithel?" he said. "I have only been in here for 20 seconds or so. You saw me go in. I even ordered you to step aside and let me go in first."
"...which is making the... now 52 minutes feel even longer, there is a sense of urgency involved." Espithel's voice seemed very fast paced and high frequency.
"Don't let it get all over the floor..." said Russian over the radio.
"I'M NOT GETTING IT ON THE FLOOR! WILL SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON!" despaired the angry Orbit Admiral.
"Haven't you ever been near a Black Hole before sir?" scoffed Espithel, "you're in a temporal anomaly. Your urine is in a temporal anomaly. Say "Urine, you're in a temporal anomaly.""
"How do we fix it?" muttered JonathanCrazyJ.
"Well, we can't fix it, it's pretty strong considering there is such a high time delay even between you and I, but we can limit it by gathering in one part of the ship. Russian is currently trying to wake Solaris from his coma, so I'd suggest the medical bay."
"Alright, but won't you need the latrine deck now I'm done?"
"It's been 3 hours now sir, I'm afraid that ship has sailed. We should, however, stop by my quarters on the way because I think I would currently compromise the sterile environment of the medical bay."
Espithel and JonathanCrazyJ approached the medical bay with trepidation. They could hear Russian screaming loudly through the door.
They went inside and found him frantically washing his arm. Solaris was slumped on a table, 6 charred, blackened tentacles shrunken and twisted, and one of his healthy tentacles flopping over the side of the table.
"What happened, Space Trooper?" asked JonathanCrazyJ.
"I was moving him to the surgery table and one of his tentacles flopped on my arm. Gross." Russian finished washing his arm, and put his digitally enhanced utility glove back on. JonathanCrazyJ noticed him accidentally flip his radio switch on as he did so.
JonathanCrazyJ reached over to Solaris and was about to lovingly place his webbed hands on one of Solaris's good tentacles.
"Orbit Admiral! Don't touch that! It's disgusting!" shouted Russian. His radio light flashed on his arm.
Just as JonathanCrazyJ tried to work out why that sounded familiar, Espithel bustled past him and picked up a large syringe filled with a heavy, viscous liquid.
"Don't let it get all over the floor..." said Russian, glancing at Espithel.
"SWITCH YOUR RADIO OFF RUSSIAN!" yelled JonathanCrazyJ "You're confusing me. I mean you confused me, well I was getting confused... wow this is confusing"
"Sorry sir..." said Russian uncertainly. "Now, Espithel, inject Solaris with that serum, it should restore some health to his burned tentacles, and reduce the fever-slime from his good ones..."
