I am going to tell you a harrowing tale of woe. My fiancee still likes to torment me with it.
I was drunk. Very, very drunk when I went to bed that fateful night.
After I had finally gone to sleep (a deep sleep which included groaning loudly and occasionally singing to myself, as is my routine when particularly drunk), she thought the worst was over.
Our bedroom is a little too small for our double bed. I had to build the bed in the room with the door open, so the door can never close past the corner of the bed.
She woke up to me sitting on the end of the bed, opening and closing the door, repeatedly, loudly, into the side of the bed.
"What the hell are you doing?" she asked angrily. She had work the next day.
"Loo" i replied. unbeknownst to her, I was actually still asleep.
"Then Go!" she said, apparently.
i managed to conclude, in my sleep, that the door was now open.
So i left the room, and turned left. This was odd, thought my fiancee. The loo is downstairs. That's the kitchen. Maybe he's getting some water first.
But the sound she heard was not the sound of a running tap. Well, not a wall mounted tap anyway. More like a drunk human mounted tap hitting plastic.
She ran into the kitchen and turned on the light.
(This is where I have memory of this incident, I believe this is where I was actually woken. Woken to the sound of yelling. Angry, angry yelling.)
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!" She screamed.
"What? Why are you shouting at me, I'm using the toilet!"
"That's not the TOILET JONNY, THAT'S THE BIN!"
"It's NOT THE BIN!" I was very certain of this.
"YOU ARE IN THE KITCHEN!"
"I... I know... IT'S THE KITCHEN TOILET, WHY ARE YOU YELLING??"
At this point she went back to bed. We were both angry. I was angry at her because she had yelled at me when I was obviously just using the kitchen toilet. She was angry at me because I had used the kitchen as a toilet.
As I lay in bed, I finally achieved full consciousness. I realized that kitchen toilets really were not a thing.
"I'll clean it up tomorrow." I mumbled into the darkness.
She patted me on the head.