I'm sorry, but it's the end of the world.

[jallenw]

I mentioned this in chat, but I figured I would just post it here so you guys would know.

Recently I created a Doomsday Device.

Today, while testing the calibration, I accidentally activated it.

Don't be too worried, I had the countdown set for September 8th, 2010, so it's not going to happen right now, you can enjoy your summer, for the most part.

So that you know what to expect, I'll explain how the device works.

It is a Quantum Psycoreductive Paralax Broadcaster.  Basically, it absorbs sentient emotions from this dimension of this universe, channels them through other dimensions and universes at random, and then broadcasts them back into hosts based upon their suitability.

To put it in laymans terms, it is powered by human suffering, amplifies it, turns it into pure evil, and channels it into the minds of people.  People in positions of power are the most effected by this, but some 'splash evil' will be inserted into pretty much everyone.

It works no matter it's location, can't be turned off, and once activated, it's effects will remain even if it is destroyed.

I had intended to design it with a failsafe, but I couldn't afford the extra titanium, so there is no way to stop it now.

Again, I'm sorry.  It's my fault that the world is about to end.  I didn't mean to.  Don't get mad at me.

Anyway, I just thought you guys might like to know what to expect, so I'll tell you the settings that I had it on when I activated it.


(I left some of these random because I don't know which value means 'yes' and which means 'no'.  It's hard to decode the universe.)

Doomsday Device Settings:
Start Time: September 8th, 2010 9:15am EST
Duration: Medium (5-10 years)
Intensity: 11 (Maximum)
Chaos: 11 (Maximum)
Over 9000: Enabled
Chuck Norris Effect: Disabled (I'm not sure what this does, but I know it doesn't disable Chuck Norris.)
Zombies: Disabled  (Sorry guys, finger slipped, no zombies.)
Aliens: Disabled
Alien Hoax: Random
Vogons: Disabled
Monsters: Random
Demons: Random 
Terminators: Disabled
Velociraptors: Disabled
Mayan 2012: Enabled
Multidimensional: Disabled
Biblical: Enabled 
Angry Jesus: Enabled
Rapture: Disabled
Comet/Meteor: Random
Earthquakes: Incremental
Volcanoes: Random   
Supervolcano: Random
Supernova: Disabled
Geomagnetic Reversal: Disabled
Black Hole: Disabled
Waterworld: Disabled
Mad Max: Enabled
WWIII: Enabled  (Israel vs Iran v2.113 Installed)
Plague: Enabled
Starvation: Enabled
Leeroy Jenkins: Enabled
Internets: 101 (scale goes from 0 to 1337)
Epic: FAIL
Economic Effects: Hyperinflation
Survivability: 9%
Your base are belong to us: All
Girls: 2
Cups: 1
mc^2 = E
Cake: False

There are over 100 other variables within the coding of the machine that I could not decode and therefor I have no idea what those extra settings do.  I think most of them have to do with the location, duration, and intensity of the above settings, but I can't be sure.  Anyway, I pretty much just randomized anything that I didn't fully understand.

Now you know what to expect in the next 5 to 10 years.

I know you're all upset at me, so let me again say that I am sorry.  I forgot that the safety was off when I was calibrating the device and it just kinda went off.  I hope that the descendants of the survivors(if any) of the end of the world will realize that humanity did not suicide, we were just cleaning our 'guns'. 


Remember, it is possible to survive.  There are plenty of reference materials available online about how to survive teotwawki. 

At any rate.  I wish you all the best in the coming years. 

Jallen

[killsdazombies]

Chuck Norris effect : enabled
no more worlds.

[Terroking]

Damn, you enabled me?

Here goes . . .

LEEEEEEEEERRROOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYY JEENNNNNNKIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNS

[icybraker]

Icybraker's Guide to Surviving the Jallen Apocalypse

First. A general defense system.

1) A bunker submerged in the middle of the Indian Ocean. Large enough to accomodate one (2) persons (Icybraker, guy who pays Icybraker a trillion bucks). Water purifier.

2) 3 harpoons. 5 submachine guns. 1 claw. This is for capturing and eating food, as well as self-defense. Lots of ammo.

3) Bunker is supported by 4 hydraulic pylons embedded into the ocean floor. They automatically calibrate in order to reduce impact of earthquakes.

4) Pylons also have a reverse polarity charge, allowing them to lift the bunker from limbo back into the physical world after the magnetic reversal of Mayan 2012.

5) Classified.

[Terroking]

What's the point of having a number 5 if it's classified? It's always like that, I mean, if something is classified, you don't bloody tell people it's classified.

[icybraker]

I tell them it's classified because...

I would tell you why, but it's classified.

[Bloodshadow]

Too bad Jallen, the Earth is doomed anyways even before you started to make the Quantum Psychoreductive Parallax Broadcaster.

As of now, I have four weapons of mass destruction hidden deep underground beneath North Korea. The first one is a three gigaton salted hydrogen bomb with enough radioactive fallouts to destroy all life on the planet six times. The second one is about one ton of antimatter, and you can probably imagine the force of the annihilation caused by it. The third one is a miniature black hole generator; when activated, it would fall straight into the Earth's center of gravity, and start sucking everything in. The last one is a dimensional rift generator, which can tear a hole in spacetime about the size of Jupiter; it could probably pull the entire solar system into two-dimensional space. Those superweapons are controlled by a seemingly decorative "button" on my wristwatch; if I press hard enough, the weapons will detonate.

I'm sorry, but before you even made your machine, one of my classmates accidentally pressed the button. He must've been amazingly strong to even make that button move a millimeter. But the countdown had already begun; it would detonate on September 7, 2010, 11:59 PM.

BTW, you spelled "parallax" wrong.

[jallenw]

Hmmm... interesting, but I think a couple of the settings on mine may have canceled out at least 2 of yours.  The black hole generator and the dimensional rift generator.  It's also possible that some of the variable that I was unable to decode could cancel out your other two devices.  We'll just have to wait and see what happens.  Thanks for the head up.

[Bloodshadow]

Ah, I see. "Multidimensional" and "Black Hole" are disabled. But I don't think the salted H-bomb and the antimatter bomb can be stopped. Oh well.

Oh, and I forgot to tell you about the OTHER button on my wristwatch... Well, you don't wanna find out what weapons I have in that. I'm pretty sure those won't get canceled out. But luckily, those weren't activated yet.

No, it's actually true. There are two decorative "buttons" on my watch. One day my friend asked, "Are those actually buttons?", and I told her: "Well, if you press hard enough... North Korea blows up."

[Olidot]

Hmmm... interesting, but I think a couple of the settings on mine may have canceled out at least 2 of yours.  The black hole generator and the dimensional rift generator.  It's also possible that some of the variable that I was unable to decode could cancel out your other two devices.  We'll just have to wait and see what happens.  Thanks for the head up.

I don't think so, because those setting only govern YOUR machine, not Bloodshadow's machines.

[miniwally]

You had to disable all the good things didn't you I mean zombies would've been awesome but we got WWIII to loo forward to I guess.

[Glitch]

Guys!  Calm down!  There's an easy way to solve this.

The doomsday device was programmed with Vista, we're all safe.