My parents moved to Eastern Tampa last week and I went to see their
house for the first time last weekend. One of the first items on the
agenda was signing on their safety deposit box. So Saturday morning I
threw some khaki shorts over the mesh gym shorts I'd slept in, didn't
bother to do my hair, and left for the bank with my parents.
I sat at the bank for 45 minutes while an annoying employee flitted
around trying my father's patience. Finally, she announces that we're
ready. I stood up. The guys in the forum may know how occasionally when
wearing mesh shorts a leg hair will get stuck in the fabric. I
thought this had happened, and I pulled at the back of my shorts to
fix the problem. A second or two pass, the problem has not been
solved, and I'm beginning to realize I probably have an ant in my
shorts.
Me: "Excuse me. Where is your restroom?"
Annoying woman who has forced us to wait more than 45 minutes for
something which will take less than 45 seconds: "Can't it wait? We're
almost done here."
Me: "No. It cannot wait."
I get to the bathroom and strip bare-assed naked. By this time, in my
mind I'm leaning away from the possibility of an ant, and towards a
fire ant or possibly a bee. I look in my khaki shorts, and all looks
well. I look in my mesh shorts, and a scorpion looks back at me. In
retrospect, I may have overreacted. But in my defense, all I really
knew about scorpions was that they're ugly, poisonous, and Godzilla
once fought one. So this is some serious shit. And at the very least
I was surprised to learn that one had been nuzzling my left cheek. So
I did overreact. I threw my shorts at the ground and made this noise:
"Whooamygoohmygodohmygod."
I put on my khakis again, commando-style, and left the bathroom in
search of my father. Partially, I wanted someone there in case I
spontaneously lost consciousness, but mostly I thought noone would
believe me unless someone verified what I had seen. I find my father
and ask him to follow me. Possibly the funnies thing I saw that day
was the intense confusion on my mom's face. I guess my "No, it cannot
wait" comment caused her to assume I had explosive diarrhea or
something, but now I was including my father on the experience.
Anyway, my dad came in and verified that I'm not a lunatic. He
dropped the shorts as quickly as I had, to my satisfaction, but didn't
make the same noise. I stepped on the little fucker, and we finished
our business at the bank. Public Service Announcement: bank scorpions
are not that dangerous. The one I saw was about an inch long. The
problem is they often travel in packs, I guess, and a bunch of stings
is a big problem. Also, a lot of people are allergic, kinda like
bees. I took a couple of Benadril just in case, and then moved on.
