Jokes, Great Words, Crazy Math e.t.c...

[Sug81]

Sorry if some of the expresions are not so "formal"... it is just a joke...

Dear Employees,

  It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

  Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

  TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
  INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

  TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
  INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

  TRY SAYING: Really?
  INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

  TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
  INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

  TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
  INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

  TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
  INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

  TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
  INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

  TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
  INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

  TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
  INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

  TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
  INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

  TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
  INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

  TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
  INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

  TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
  INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

  TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
  INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

  TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
  INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

  TRY SAYING: I see.
  INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

  TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
  INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

  Thank You,
  Human Resources

[Sug81]

-Coca-Cola was originally green.

-The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

-Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades -King David, Clubs -Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds -Julius Caesar.

-The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

-Almonds are members of the peach family.

-Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."

-The Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

-It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

-111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

-Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.

-The fingerprints of Koala Bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.

-It is illegal in the state of Kentucky to marry your wife's grandmother.

-Easter Sunday is always the first Sunday after the first full moon after March 21. (the first day of Spring)

-Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die. (Guess some of us are in sad shape!)

-Giraffes have no vocal chords.

-Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

-A giraffe's tongue is blue.

-The right lung takes in more air than the left.

The only food that doesn't spoil is honey.

-Did you know......... It is impossible to lick your elbow?

-A shrimp's heart is in their head.

-People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.

-Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.

-If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.

-If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

-Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

-The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

[migster99]

+70 degrees
Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
People in Canada go swimming in the Lakes.
+60 degrees
North Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
People in Canada plant gardens.
+50 degrees
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Canada sunbathe.
+40 degrees
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Canada drive with the windows down.
+32 degrees
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Superior's water gets thicker.
+20 degrees
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats.
People in Canada throw on a flannel shirt.
+15 degrees
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Canada have the last cookout before it gets cold.
0 degrees
People in Miami all die...
Canadians lick the flagpole.
20 below
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Canada get out their winter coats.
40 below
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Canada are selling cookies door to door.
60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
People in Canada rent some videos.
100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
297 below
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Canada complain about farmers with cold hands.
460 below
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).
People in Canada start saying, "Eh, Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Stanley Cup
Lawyers keep their hands in their own pockets

I heard this in an email butI wanted to post it somewhere else