Proposed Final Draft
This domain, that of which, light can ne'er penetrate.
Dark creature rule, of gargoyles and vampires.
Forevermore in dusk; the days abate -
by sinners' hands, conveying discreet desires.
Throughout the land, shadowy tendrils creep.
Encroaching uncertainty, foreboding fright, (and) then;
a cloaked figure reaches out - with one dark hand!
Onset of twilight, surely, this cannot be - your friend?
So do, beasts feed off each other to survive.
Though dignity and honor, being despised, still are kept.
'Tis slight of hand, used to maintain one's pride.
To siphon all essence, from that which, life has left.
'Twas insidious guile, lauded throughout the land, such as this:
These whispering lies, so sweet, whence from, thine demons' lips...
Still To do:
"Dominion" has got to go. Area already established in line before, repetitive needlessly.
Gettin' there, still needs some minor punctuation adjustments.
If "essence" is target of act, then "To" - if not, then "Then"
1st line of couplet not ringing right, in my ears. Associative "there of" found.
"Whispering" - fluency of verbal form, extraneous adverb, or association to/of the subject?
"freshly", adverb correct, but tie in is awkward. Looking for something similar... Found: unadulterated.
