(NOTE: Based off of DoctorC's interpretation (http://elementscommunity.org/forum/card-art/pixelated-false-gods/) of the False Gods)
Somewhere in the Helios Pastures was a sanctuary, floating above all else. Made out of white gold and platinum and about 50 feet tall, it didn't even cast a shadow on the fields below. Somewhere in the distance, a humanoid figure flew towards it. It was none other than the False God Miracle himself, though his usual Morning Glory and Jade Shield were absent. In their place was a bottle of Insignia White Wine, the brand being extremely popular after a mortal brought a couple of bottles to the Oracle's latest New Years Party, wrapped in a green and blue ribbon. Miracle himself was dressed rather fancily, wearing a white slim-fit suit jacket in place of his usual battle armor. The peak labels, bow tie, and pockets were sky blue; and he wore a lime green dress shirt underneath the whole thing. His lower half was much less of an eyesore, with blueish green dress pants and dark navy blue dress shoes. His red hair was brushed to the side and held together by gel, and he made sure to trim his beard to a reasonable size; his crown was nowhere to be seen today. It was well known in the Pantheon that Miracle did not have a sense of fashion, but at least he knew proper hair-styling.
When he finally got to the sanctuary, he knocked on the door. Out came a female figure, likely a False Goddess, dressed much less fancily than Miracle. She had an identical shade of red hair to Miracle, although longer and held back in a ponytail. Also like Miracle, her crown was missing and she wasn't wearing battle armor today. Instead, she wore a sky-blue blouse and caramel pants, barely covered by an apron with a fiery design. As soon as she opened the door, she couldn't help but giggle at Miracle's choice of clothing.
"You seem to be in a good mood, Divine Glory," Miracle noted, oblivious to why she was actually giggling.
"Really? Guess I haven't noticed," replied Divine Glory, attempting to contain her laughter, "Anyways, I'm glad you could come over for lunch." She let Miracle into the sanctuary, the interior being much less grandiose than the exterior. The walls were just as white as the outside of the sanctuary, though it felt smaller on the inside. The hallway had an orange-red welcome mat near the door. There was a closet next to him, supposedly for shoes; Miracle knew from visits prior to this one that he didn't need to take off his. The dining table was fairly simple, being made out of oak wood; which were accompanied by two chairs. A tablecloth with the design of the Mark of Fire sewn into covered it, and on top of that was a small iron bucket. On closer inspection the bucket was filled with Ice Lances, probably borrowed from Scorpio. Miracle placed the bottle of wine into the bucket, and sat down.
"Wasn't Paradox going to join us?" he asked as he sat down, upon noticing the two chairs that were set up.
"He had a meeting with the other Gods of Time," she replied, about to head into the kitchen.
"What about Dark Matter?"
"He said he had to do some 'research'." They both knew that he really meant he was going to watch TV in the basement lab, and decided not to bother him.
Divine Glory then went into the kitchen to bring out the meal, closing the door behind her. She was instead greeted by a cloud of smoke coming out of the oven. Panicked, she rushed over to the stove and opened it, revealing the source of the smoke.
"Oh no! My roast phoenix is ruined!" She hurried around the kitchen to try and fix everything when out of the corner of her eye she saw
a nearby Vindi's, a well known fast food chain in the Realm of Elements, on the ground below. An idea struck her.
"But what if I bought fast food and presented it to Miracle as my own cooking?" she pondered. Proud of her own intuition, she took off her apron, placed it on the oven, let her hair loose, and prepared to hop out of the window. Before she could do so Miracle walked into the kitchen, whatever he was about to say being interrupted with the image of what seemed to be smoke coming out of the oven and Divine Glory with part of her leg out of the window.
"Divine Glory. Care to explain what's going on here?" Miracle asked, sternly. She suddenly felt a wave of anxiousness throughout her entire body.
Trying to come up with an excuse for what was happening she answered, "Ah, Miracle! I was just...uh, stretching my calves on the windowsill! You see, the other day, Akebono recommended some isometric exercises to me. Care to join me?" Ignoring that thought, Miracle's attention was directed towards the oven.
"Why is there smoke coming out of your oven?"
"Actually, that's steam. Steam for the steamed clams we're having! Mmm, steamed clams."
"Steamed clams?" Miracle wondered, "Can you even find those in this realm?" He then remembered the oceans of the Water region, and concluded that there might be some clams in the oceans there. He returned to his seat, unaware of his sister's evasion.
Divine Glory let out a sigh of relief. But there wasn't time to relax, she still had to prepare lunch. Flying on an animated Morning Glory, she went and ordered as many cheeseburgers and fries as she had electrum for. Surprisingly, this wasn't much. The time it took for her to wait for her food, fly back into the kitchen, and make the meal look presentable wasn't much. It was time to serve Miracle his lunch.
"Sorry for the wait!" she said, placing the platter down on the table and moving the bucket aside. "I hope you're ready for some mouthwatering hamburgers!"
"Weren't we having steamed clams?" Miracle asked.
"Did I say 'steamed clams'? What I meant to say was 'steamed HAMS'."
"Since when did you start calling hamburgers 'steamed hams'?"
"It's a regional dialect. I picked it up while rooming with Neptune."
"So it's a Water regional dialect."
"Yes."
"Well, I've visited the villages in that region, and I never heard any of the villagers use the phrase 'steamed hams'."
"That's because it's an expression used in the city."
Miracle thought to himself, "There's cities in the Water region? Then again, those Steam Machines have to come from somewhere..." He shrugged off the thought and reached for a "steamed ham". Once he took a bite, he couldn't help but notice something off about them.
"You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Vindi's," Upon hearing this, Divine Glory faked a chuckle.
"No, no, no. They're patented Gloryburgers! Old family recipe!
"For steamed hams?"
"Yeah."
"And Mother hasn't told me because...?"
"I guess she never figured you were the cooking type."
"Fair enough," Miracle agreed. Though after a couple more bites, he realized that his initial hunch might be right after all. He lifted the bun off of the patty, and was slightly disturbed by what he found. "So you call them steamed hams despite the fact they're obviously grilled, and made out of beef."
Upon this realization, Divine Glory was backed into a corner. She couldn't help but stammer a bit, trying to string words together to justify the contradiction Miracle found. After a while she abruptly got up and excused herself, entering the kitchen once more; Miracle didn't pay any mind to this. Upon entering the kitchen, she realized one fatal mistake that she overlooked before: she forgot to turn the oven off. She quickly exited the kitchen and faked a yawn, while the door swiveled behind her.
"Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped."
"Yes, I should be-" But before Miracle could finish, he caught a glimpse of the inside of the kitchen. Alarmed, he stood up and yelled, "GOOD ORACLE, WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE?!"
Without any sign of worry, Divine Glory replied, "Octane came to visit."
"OCTANE?!" Miracle exclaimed as his thoughts were flooded with anger, worry, and confusion. "Even though he has a packed schedule, he just decided to come over to Helios Pastures all the way from Aeolus Nimbus, just to enter your kitchen?!
"Yeah," she said without hesitation. By this time, Miracle became much calmer despite the situation at hand.
"Well, why didn't he join us for lunch?" At this, Divine Glory shrugged. There was more questions that Miracle wanted answered, but he didn't really have much time to stick around. As he walked towards the front door, Divine Glory came along to see him off. As he was about to leave, an old, grizzly voice came from inside of the sanctuary. Upon hearing it Divine Glory felt that same wave of anxiousness from earlier, not due to how the voice sounded but what he had to say.
"I may be stating the obvious, but THE DAMN SANCTUARY IS ON FIRE!"
"Don't worry about it, Dark Matter! It's just Octane!"
"Well, Divine Glory, you've certainly changed over the years," Miracle started. "But I must say, you steam a good ham."
After he said this, he took off into the skies. A faraway cry for help from that same old voice caught his attention, and he turned towards the sanctuary. He could see some flames coming out of the window, and the distant figure of Divine Glory giving what looked like a thumbs up. He looked to the right of the sanctuary and saw the local fire-fighters coming to the rescue...which consisted of the entirety of Team Fire. From these images alone he could tell that thing wouldn't end well for Divine Glory's home. But it wasn't his problem anymore; besides, he had other things to attend to. He turned away from the burning sanctuary and took for the skies.
Classic Holy Cheeseburger
by InsignificantWeeaboo7-15 minutesServing Size: 1 personWhile they're not the same recipe as the ones made in Vindi's, they're pretty close. Made with ingredients from the Light and Life regions, including the beef of the rare Holy Cow, it's a freshly-made family meal classic for all elementals! The best part about them is that they're easily customizable; this particular recipe is the main baseline for how the Holy Cheeseburger should be made. Not steamed, as Divine Glory claims them to be.
| Equipment | Ingredients |
- Grill (Most chefs recommend the Flaming Cannon Grill)
- Coal (Charcoal works, but you might anger the Green Nymphs)
- Stiff Bristled Wire Brush
- Spatula
| - Cooking Oil
- 2 Burger Buns
- About 1/4 cup Ketchup
- 3 Slices of Pickles
- 1 Pound Ground Holy Beef
- 1 Slice of Holy Cheese
- 1 Tomato Slice
- Forest Spirit Leaves
- 1 Red Onion Slices
- About 1/2 teaspoon Salt
- About 1/4 teaspoon Pepper
|
Step 1 - Prepping the GrillNo more than 5 minFirst, clean out any old ash still lingering in the grill. Before you toss it out, however, it's a good idea to prime it and see if the ash reincarnates as a Phoenix. If not, feel free to toss it or feed it to your pet Ash Eater. Remove any rust or residue from the grates using the stiff bristled wire brush. Place coal/charcoal into the bowl of the grill and heat them. Once the coals are lit, put the grates on and let them heat up for about 5 minutes or so. (DO NOT speed up the process using a Fire Lance, or any other Fire spells. This could cause the grill to overheat, or even be destroyed.) Wad up a paper towel and, using tongs, dip it in some cooking oil. Then use the tongs to thoroughly oil up the cooking grates.
Step 2 - Making/Cooking the Patty7-8 minutesShape the ground Holy Beef into a patty. Lay patties on the grill and close the lid. Cook the burgers, turning once, until they're browned on both sides and no longer pink inside. (Author's Note: This can vary based on how well someone likes their burgers.) Once they are done, remove the patties from the grill.
Step 3 - AssemblyNo longer than 2 minutesCut the burger buns side down, and lay them on the grill and cook until lightly toasted. This should take 30 seconds to 1 minute. Spread ketchup on the bun bottom. Add pickles, burger, cheese, tomato, Forest Spirit Leaves, onion, and salt and pepper to taste. Set the bun top in place.
Enjoy!