With a burp and a fart, all hell broke loose on the Oracle Plains.
Deuce22 sniffed at the air from the top of his mountain of skulls. He could make out traces of a chicken roast, the perfumes of the Oracle’s Harem, and gas.
Those upstart air elementals, defiling their sacred rears! Do they really think some funny smells are enough to topple my magnificent realm? Judging by how all the soldiers still standing on the battlefield were either retching their guts out or flailing uncontrollably, it probably was enough.
“A hoi hoi, Deuce!” exclaimed a gruff voice from behind, accompanied by the footsteps of a heavy-set man. “Funny smell around, aye?”
Relieved that at least one person around could resist the gas, Deuce sprinted from the top of his mountain and licked Jen-i. “Yes, another dose from Air. But this one… this one’s different. I can sniff it. It’s as bad as some of last night’s gravy.”
Suddenly, a hooded figure appeared from behind the mountain and kicked Deuce in the nuts! “Of course it’s as bad as last night’s gravy!” shouted the hoarse voice of vagman13, not even pausing as Deuce let out a pitiful whine, “Did you hear that burp? Gravy and Air are up to something, and last night’s gravy was an omen!”
“If your words were right, every little barnacle-hole and gale would be an omen” piped Jen, and Deuce winced in assent. Vagman looked away sullenly, muttering something about illiterate pirates and nutkicks, when a huge portal appeared in the sky; the three remaining aether warriors fell down head-first from it.
“That went beyond my visions, sorry.” A deep rolling voice said in half a whisper and half a telepathic thought. “Pardon me, brave warriors, but the Vagman is right. Something diabolical is spreading across the plain, and it’s taking all of my power to protect my ladies. Air and Gravity are behind this, and for the sake of Elements I ask you to destroy those nymph-stealing maniacs.”
“Wait, aren’t
we supposed to be the tyrannical villains?” Kakerlake whispered, but he was drowned out by mrpaper’s booming tenor.
“Sure, we’ll defeat those vile usurpers. We were gonna do it anyway.”
~*~
Jenkar stared balefully at the battlefield. All those people dying at his command… was this really the price to pay? Setting up a new tyrant in place of the hated Ninja Dog? “There has to be a better way.” He turned to his lieutenant.
The smile on Hainkarga’s face could have rivaled the Chesire Cat. “It’s too late for all that, Jenk. Do you think Fatso will ask us out for a cup of tea when we return with his ladies? Or that deuce will let us live after all those times we’ve humiliated him in combat? That’s only if we survive the thrashing the Gravies will give us when we tell them it’s over.”
Jenk sighed. Of course there was no way out. Even if his team managed to defeat all the others and crown him Grandmaster, another would rise to take his title soon enough. He should’ve remained as an enforcer of the rules, instead of jumping into the foray at Hain’s suggestion.
He instead turned to the Oracle plains, to the lush hollows in which he’d spent his beautiful days of War-mastering. Of course, it wasn’t so lush after their little gas explosion… Just as the entire realm wouldn’t be so lush once Hain has his way. Jenk looked back at Hain, who was soaking in the barren landscape as if it were the world’s most magnificent vista. As good an opportunity as I’ll find. He raised his hand high, readying an orb of thunder.
Hain deflected the blast with a lazy flick of his hand, sending the Shockwave to some random demiplane through a dimshield. “Oooh la la, Jenk, I never expected this from you. I thought were supposed to be allies. Who would expect something so dishonorable from the great Jenkar, the oh so competent Warmaster. It’s your fault that Aether holds sway today, Jenk. One little rule change from you would’ve made Air the supreme today, but you were too much of a pussy for that. But I must thank you, for your foolishness is what gave me the power to become a wielder of both the mortal air and the divine! “
Jenk stared at Hain with bloodshot eyes, calculating if he’d manage to get away with a run. He always knew Hain was crazy, but this was just quintessential evil villain level. But even as he turned to run, Hain stopped him with a violent gust. “There’s no place you can run, Jenk. Stay, and I’ll ensure that you won’t die. Stay, and you might even be crowned as Grandmaster, as long as you remain a good boy and do not mess with my plans.” He offered out his hand.
Jenk bit his lip, and shoved himself up. He took Hain’s hand, and gave a reluctant shake. “Alright then. Let’s go defeat the Tyrant.”
~*~
A low moan sounded from the open window of the Harem, but Deuce22 opted to not look. Hain was making his way up the mountain, and it wouldn’t do to be distracted at this moment. Not now, when this war was at an end. “Hello Hain. Ready to end this?”
Hain gave a cynical smile. “Hello, Tyrant. Don’t you want to know where Jenk is?”
Deuce shot him a blank look. “No, I just want to get this over with.”
“Well, it all started the day we crowned you. The clock was ticking...”
“Er, Hain, we really can’t do a monolog here. The clock’s ticking even now.”
“Oh just die!” Hain shouted as his sword thrust into Deuce’s belly, leaving the dog entrails hanging. The great ninja staggered, and fell from the mountain to his demise.
“A war without a Grandmaster and me in charge of Aether.” Hain’s eyes glinted with the daydream as he watched Deuce fall. “This will be fun.”
