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Offline ARTHANASIOSTopic starter

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Forgotten Knight's Poem https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=40515.msg501756#msg501756
« on: May 21, 2012, 07:59:21 am »
This is a poem which used my card Forgotten Soldier/Forgotten Knight (http://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php/topic,39486.msg490752.html#msg490752) as an inspiration and I hope you like it. Feel free to comment and if you have any suggestions of how to improve this poem I would be more than glad to hear it:

Forgotten Knight's Tale

 In ancient times a battle was fought,
a river of blood this battle had brought,
the nations faced each other in that fight
were both genocided in just one night.
 
 The soldiers that marched to death that day
were buried and mourned and carried away
by Charon's boat after paying their toll,
leaving away this bloodthirsty world.

 However, a knight who death has gotten
has not a funeral and stays forgotten,
unable to pay the boatman's toll,
unable to find any rest at all.

 Having no master or purpose to serve,
he roams the land and finds the nerve
to approach an army that was camping there,
begging to join them and having his share.

 The great king who leaded the men,
was impressed by the knight's valour and then
he allowed him to join the host,
but he hadn't realised the knight was a ghost.

 The very next day the battle began,
one after another the soldiers were gone,
slained by the monsters they had to face,
monsters dedicated to kill the human race.

 The great king himself got attacked
by a huge dragon, but he didn't backed,
however the king would be slain for sure
if the brave knight hadn't struck pure.

 After the dragon lied on ground
and the monstrous army was brought down,
the king realised he was saved by the knight
who bleeds to death in front of his sight.

 But the knight told him not to mourn,
because he was already dead, and soon
he would die again, but this time
the knight hoped just for a dime...

 By using a treasure given by the king,
a beautifully carved golden ring
with the king's element emblem upon,
the toll is paid by this worthy son.

 But Charon finds the ring's value too high
to be used as payment for a single ride,
so the knight beg Charon to take along
all his fallen comrades that wait ashore.

 But before the knight surrends the ring,
he removes the emblem of the king,
and throw it back away to the shore,
the one who is not forgotten any more.

 Behold, the mighty miraculous power!
Where the emblem landed, now stands a Tower,
matching the element of the king,
ready to serve him as a quantum spring...
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Offline Pineapple

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Re: Forgotten Knight's Poem https://elementscommunity.org/forum/index.php?topic=40515.msg501794#msg501794
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2012, 11:47:25 am »
There seems to be problem with rhythm (you stay rather aside from 2-5 lines, which makes those lines stand out oddly)
and sometimes, the diction seems weird (human race) or the rhyming seems off (toll-world, toll-all, mourn-soon).

 

anything
blarg: