The board of Evil incorporated was quite pleased that the design of chief inventor of Doomsday Devices™,
Manuel -- the
Totally Inoffensive Panda -- was seeing massive sales in toy stores. The bears, mainly bought for children, were programmed to view their owner as their parent and to cling on indefinitely. They would attach themselves to the child-owner and become inseparable buddies. Chief inventor
Manuel also programmed the panda robots to say the kindest, most inoffensive things to their child owners. Parents at first loved this very thoughtful, well-spoken toy. It was an international fad not seen since the days of tamagatchi and giga pets. For the
time being, parents went along with this fad. Children with attached panda bears were seen everywhere. It’s not an exaggeration to say that the toys were creating
Pandamonium all across the
Earth.
Evil incorporated was also pleased that all the panda propaganda was working. They heavily invested in sequels to the Kung Fu Panda film series. They were behind every “Save the panda” campaign. As we all know, panda bears are nearing extinction so there has been massive public support to save them. However, it was only a matter of time until some overly protective medical organization tried to argue that too much panda time was unhealthy, as they had similarly argued about too much screen time being bad for adolescent development. Evil incorporated also funded the public health campaigns to remove the toys after the release of the bears in toy stores. The evil organization could barely bear the wait for the
explosive results.
Things were going according to plan. That is until Inspector M. Bareassment was alerted to a situation and began investigating. Authorities in the Banana Republic reported that a group of medicinal weed smokers had suddenly
exploded with the lifeless panda toys found nearby the remains. As the inspector investigated further, he learned that the smokers were
attracted to the plants the panda bears came with, thinking this might be a new plant with undiscovered psychedelic effects. Learning that it was just bamboo, the smokers lost interest and removed the bears. They were suddenly s'blown to oblivion.
Inspector M quickly linked the
deaths to the pandas and learned of the destructive nature of the toys. Realizing the horrific plot and danger for all children and panda enthusiasts, the inspector worked quick to find a solution and announced a public warning on all global media..
BREAKING NEWS:: THIS BEAR IS NOT A TOY. IMMEDIATELY RECALL YOUR CHILD AND TOY TO THE NEAREST DECONTAMINATION CENTER
The Plan: The remaining 50 panda bears in the world were to be placed in decontamination centers. All children with attached pandas were transported to these centers. The theory was that the robotic pandas would conclude that a real panda bear was an even more desirable parent/host than a human child and willingly move their attachment to the real panda bears. The plan was now in action. It was working. The robotic pandas were removing themselves and attaching on to the real panda bear hosts. The children were free and safe.
However, the real panda bears refused to see the robotic bears as their children. The real panda bears threw the fake dolls off of them. Inspector M. Bareassment had saved the world once again but another animal was added to the extinct species list.
