The line up was all there. Six seemingly unsuspecting guests, a lady dead on the ballroom floor, and a handful of mismatched tools. Inspector Phoenix waved away the officers to the side of the room so he could speak to each of the suspects. He paced slowly in front of them, chewing a piece of gum and looking each of the figures right in the eye.
“Well then, who was it?” shouted the good Lady Patience.
“Patience, Patience,” the inspector said with a chuckle. “Oh yes, I know who committed these crimes. Let's look at the facts. You all get invited over to a short soiree, chat a bit as you get a tour of the house, and then split off. The Duchess, bless her soul, decides to leave you all be, and then next thing you know she's found dead in the ballroom.” He stops and turns on his heel, pointing an accusing finger at Lady Patience. “And you, here with a dagger laced with a rage inducing potion!”
“It could not have been me! I-I was with the Lieutenant all night, talking!” To this, the mopey soldier nodded in confirmation.
“Yes, and that certainly explains why we found traces of the agent on Lt. Lycanthropes armor!” The other guests all gasp. Charles speaks up, the grumpy old man wagging a boney finger at the Lady. “You tried to make an innocent man become enraged enough to kill us all! He could have even killed you! So irresponsible!” The Lieutenant was taken aback, shock in his eyes.
Patience, however, rebutted “B-but it didn't work! I didn't think that rusty plate would block the dagger so well but it did. I didn't kill her, or make anyone else do anything!” “She's right,” said the Lieutenant, “I spoke with her all night, so obviously I'm not the killer either!”
“Interesting you should say that,” said Phoenix with a smile, “because we found the arrows and the letter from your wife saying she'd forgive you if you shot the Duchess dead in your car. I had no idea Mrs. Ghost was so upset about slights in the past. A pity you couldn't get away from Lady Patience, who was waiting for the poison to kick in. I've got you both on attempted, but ludicrously failed murder.”
“This is a waste of time, I'm leaving,” said Dr. Dev.
“In a hurry, sir? I hear a large dose of epinephrine will do that to you. Yes, unfortunate that you ate the poisoned meal you had intended for Duchess Quin. I'm sure you're in quite the hurry to get to this,” the Inspector held up a small blue vial, “antidote that we found in your vehicle as well. Clever to tape it to the bottom of the seat. Was the poor doctor mad about being slighted at last year's ball, or just hoping to win a favor by saving a sick noble?”
“I'm not saying anything else. My lawyers will handle this.”
“I'm sure they will. But, attempted murder is still not murder, which is why I checked the Duchess's room for clues. Interesting that the entire room was covered in ice.”
“Oh, that'd be mah fault, Mistah Inspectah. I was fixin' the thermostat fer m'lady when this all happened. Got called away 'fore I could finish.” Salvager Sally spat on the floor and nodded, hands in her pockets.
“A likely story, if not for the fact that our technicians found evidence that you had specifically lowered the temperature of 'm'lady's' room and no others. The will was, excuse me, a 'dead giveaway'. Must have been quite an affair you two had to get your name in there. Was a riches filled trip to San Sarino and a new set of tools really worth the attempt?" Sally looked down, embarrassed. "Ah, but the Duchess wasn't in her room was she... Sister Aubrie?”
“Good heavens! I have no idea what you mean to imply, good sir Inspector.”
“Really? Then it's only a coincidence that we captured Sister Grey earlier tonight outside of the premises. Really, butterfly based tracking magic? The Cult of the Nymphs is really stepping up their game it seems. Ah, but the magic wore thin when she slipped through the secret passage, and Crusader Charles here so bravely came in on you to make sure you couldn't find the entrance later, as he's already said in private to me.”
“Absolutely, Inspector. It's my duty as a man of the cloth to stop these she-heathens from any dishonesty they might do.”
“C-certainly this is a misunderstanding, I have never heard of such a cult.”
“Save it for the court room, Sister. I hear Judge Emerald is partial to pretty, young things.”
“Well, I'm glad justice has been done here,” said the crusader as he began to wheel away, “I'll just be on my way then.”
“Not so fast, Wheels. We still haven't found the murderer. Of course, who would have guessed that a man so focused on saving life might accidentally end it?”
“Heavens! What are you talking about?” Each of the other guests turned with shock to face the crippled old man in a chair.
“It's quite simple really. We found evidence of rapid regeneration in her cells. A pre-emptive attempt to make her more resistant to harm. But it got out of hand, didn't it? The cuts all over her body were to remove tumors. Yes, we found the tumor cells generated by your overload of magic in the fireplace.”
The crusader squirmed uncomfortably, slowly shaking his head. “It wasn't supposed to happen that way. I...I haven't laid on hands in so long.”
“Right, and that's why you tried to use your paladin's blade of mercy to undo what you have done. But again, it went to far. Internal corrosion via revoked healing stopped her heart. So you fled, knowing that the good Sister here had been planning a murder and hoping that you could frame her. Or is that not why we found your specifically assigned blade in what was to be her bed chamber tonight?”
“I...I...I just wished to help. To save her from these scalawags! Surely you cannot fault me there?”
“Oh, but I'm afraid I must. All of you, to the cars.”
As they walked off with the officers, the sheriff came up and patted Phoenix on the back. “Five attempted, failed murders and one attempted, failed save. What're the odds?”
“Ah but you know what they say, Sheriff.”
“Eh?”
“Life is the number one cause of death.”
